Taking the Stone

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | Grade It Now!
Everybody Must Get Stoned

Oh, you guys. I thought "Vitas Mortis" was bad, but this -- this "Chiana needs to get her bratty, angsty, dreadlocked teen years out in one episode" episode was just so much worse than I remembered. (I said that about "Vitas Mortis" too, didn't I?) Well, as usual, when Farscape gives you a lemon, the only thing to do is stare at Aeryn's hair and Crichton's ass, chest, hair, face, wrists...ahem.

A bit unsteadily and possibly in slow motion, Chiana clambers through Moya. We can hear a deep, dull throbbing and I start to wonder if Chiana killed an old man and is about to dig up the floorboards. Reaching blindly for a bulkhead, Chiana steadies herself and breathes hard and shudderingly. She really needs to remember to take her Dramamine. Over in another chamber, Crichton messes around with tangles of wires and sparks. Chiana stumbles in, sort of limping, and asks in a forced joking tone what Crichton's breaking now. Irritated, Crichton informs her he's not breaking anything, he's trying to figure out how their navigation system works. Chiana gasps tremulously, "You got a microt?" Crichton really doesn't. But Chiana really has to talk, and her voice is heavy with the quivering that signals one is close to tears. Not hearing any of this, Crichton repeats that he doesn't have the time. "You don't have the time, okay," Chiana half-sobs, and teeters out of the room.

In the maintenance bay, Chiana picks around some tools and holds one up for her gasping inspection. After hitching up her shirt -- you know, farther -- Chiana fires up the tool and drags it across her abdomen. As the thin, curled wire comes into contact with her skin, it glows red and makes a neat, thin, smoking incision. Chiana throws back her head and howls in pain, and suddenly it becomes clear to me why appendectomies are no fun without drugs. Moya tilts gently. Chiana steadies herself, choking on her breath, and reaches out for another tool. With some iron pincers -- which don't look at all sanitized, mind you -- Chiana digs into her side and fishes around the dark blue blood -- is Chiana royal? -- to pull out a red yo-yo with a sickening slurp. She stares at the flat red disk in her hand as it flashes blue a few times before going dark. "Nerri," Chiana breathes. She clasps the disk in both hands and slowly brings her hands up to her forehead, prayer-like. Tears are now on her face. Chiana extends her clasped hands to the heavens, as a curious DRD zips up next to her and buloops inquiringly. Enraged by her grief, Chiana screams and brings a fist down on the poor defenseless DRD. It bizzles out, and the smashed yellow casing pops off to reveal wires and green goo. I guess Chiana is the type to kick a puppy if she's angry enough.

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