Warning: mkdir() [function.mkdir]: No such file or directory in /var/www/mte41/mt41-blogs.televisionwithoutpity.com/inc/Grade.class.php on line 184
Oh, yeah. This is it, people; this is the show. Let's see, before the peanuts that peanuts-eth all day, Hawkins was awesome, Jake was crying, Eric was dumber than frozen snot, Mimi was clever, and Mayor Dad was dead. What? You want specifics, you say?
Here we go. Hawkins does indeed stop that barreling train with that tank, but it sort of doesn't really matter, because those helicopters bring army and bombs and peacekeeping efforts. The head peacekeeper -- one Major "Hottie" Beck -- sits gasp-sobbing Jake and evil bearded Constantino down like two kids in the principal's office and tells them to bury the Mayor Dad-stained hatchet and move on. (Memo: there will be no hatchet-burying today.)
After breaking free from the chains of debt, Stanley proposes to Mimi. But only after she proposes to him first, and also reverses his original debt-freeing contract and secures one that actually frees him from debt instead of pushing him further in it. Point is: Stanley's kind of slow and stupid, but he's still pretty darling.
While Jake and Emily slobber all over each other, which would be incredibly off-putting if they weren't already so wooden as a couple, the more interesting chick-on-Jake interaction comes when Jake sees that Heather's still alive and well and back in Jericho. They share quite the sweet, heartfelt hug, after which Heather is reluctantly recruited by Maj. Beck to be the liaison between New Bern and Jericho.
Remember that hatchet-burying that so wasn't happening? Right, well, Eric and Jake decide to rally the Jericho Rangers and canter over to New Bern to shoot Constantino right between his pretty blue eyes, but first Hawkins tells Jake off for being a grandstanding idiot, and then Maj. Beck shows Jake a healthy spread of dead bodies, and this all has the effect of putting Jake right off his bloodlust. For now. (Something else that might pacify Jake: he's now Jericho's sheriff, but anyone who's seen The Dukes of Hazzard knows how law-abiding sheriffs can be.)
Meanwhile, Hawkins hides out with Darcy in Gramps Green's hunting lodge and only noses out to tell Jake he's an idiot for going after Constantino while Maj. Beck is still around. However, Darcy -- who is working in Maj. Beck's office -- brings back intel that the new government in Cheyenne is still looking for Sarah and also brings back Chavez, a Black Ops pal of Hawkins's, who is doing undercover duty with Maj. Beck's detail. Hawkins and Chavez pool their brains and learn that Valente is still pretty bad and probably bedded down with the new Cheyenne government, and also that the Cheyenne government is perpetrating a big ass lie about the bombs being dispatched from Iran and North Korea. Oh, and a minor point, the evil Cheyenne, Valente-backed government pretty much bombed the poo out of Iran and North Korea, so, you know, the rest of the world hates America even more than before.
We're back. We're really, really back! Let's see: last time I was reveling in my Big Dumb Jock of a show, I was despondent that all was truly lost. But then! Peanuts rained down on the good people of Jericho, and when the flood cleared, CBS made a covenant never to cancel the show again. (At least not until next season.) And as a reminder of this covenant between CBS and the fans, CBS placed a rainbow of Skeets in the sky.
To get new viewers (and old viewers who have senior moments even when they recapped the damn show) up to speed, Jake gives us a somber voiceover of past events. Big booms, red pushpins, lack of electricity, lack of guns, lack of food, kissing, Awesome Hawkins, hidden bombs, a new flag, a new government, and a war between towns. Jake screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!" again, and the screen, she goes black.
When we come back, we're in the Richmond farmhouse. Two army guys -- all helmeted and gunned-up and everything -- guard the door. A lone figure sits, head bent, at a table (but not the kitchen table Mayor Dad died on, because that would be gross) and fiddles pensively with a wedding ring on his battered and bloody hand. The camera scrolls up. Aw, I'd recognize that needle-nose anywhere! Hey, Lassie! Constantino raises his head and gingerly touches the blood clotting at his nose. A teary-eyed Jake is escorted into the farmhouse by two other soldiers. He looks over at the kitchen table of mayoral dying, the pile of bloody rags, and the pool of decidedly undried blood underneath. Okay, I know it's been only a few hours in Jericho-time; however, I can't help being all, "They didn't clean up that mess for nine months?! Gross!" I've been watching too much Monk. Jake clenches his jaw as Constantino turns around to look at him. Big mistake. Jake roars and launches himself at the mayor of New Bern, who scrambles to get out of the line of Jake. Jake holds Constantino down on the table and roars a few more times. (Really, there is no other term for it; he's not saying anything or using words, he's just...roaring.) The soldiers struggle with Jake for a bit until a commanding officer enters the scene via the kitchen. It's Esai Morales as Major Beck, and I'm not going to come up with names or pretend otherwise, because Major Beck is fairly Major Bad-Ass in these episodes. Beck orders the soldiers to hold Jake back, and then orders Constantino and Jake to sit down. He introduces himself and says he's from the Tenth Mountain Division, sent by Col. Hoffman to figure out just what the hell is going on in Jericho. He's currently in the process of taking reports. "Sounds like you two are the ringleaders," he adds, in the understatement to end all understatements. Also, what a way to completely undermine and belittle what they've been going through. "Ringleaders" is what you call bullies in fourth grade who start playground wars with rock bombs and blockade the jungle gym. Yeah, on second thought.... Beck goes on: "A couple hours ago, you were leading the nastiest border skirmish we've seen in months. All in, 136 dead Americans [wait, how many illegal immigrants?], twice that wounded, over 70,000 rounds of ammunition fired." Jake tragically closes his eyes as ammo fire drowns out Beck's voice, and we go back to the Day of Nuts and "NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!"