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Hello, and did everyone have a lovely summer? Good. Let's kick this season's ass into gear, then:
First off, just in case these particular plot points vanished for you beneath a tidal wave of gin and tonics over the last four months (it could happen), Our Intrepid Heroes managed to off their lifelong foe The Ceiling Demon with The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Can't, but not before Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance conspired to have that hateful shoulder-smasher G.I. Jake unlock -- as the fabulous Ellen Harvelle put it in last season's finale -- "a damned door to Hell," thereby unleashing Our Dear Boys' worthless bastard of a so-called father once more upon an innocent and unsuspecting world. Well, him and a few hundred demons as well, but Shut Up Daddy's escape is the one that pissed everyone off. Oh, yeah, one more thing: El Deano swapped both his eternal soul and the remainder of his earthly existence save for one final year in exchange for Darling Sammy's life, and immense was the wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the Deangirls.
But that was then. And now? Dean and his freshly zombified brother -- along with a few very special guests who shall remain nameless at the moment -- must corral all those escaped beasties back into the Hell from which they emerged on streaming gouts of bitterly black demonic goo, starting with tonight's septet of horrors, the actual, honest-to-God Seven Deadly Sins, and I think I've seen this one before. With a capable assist from the inimitable Bobby and a bungling assist from a couple of inept fellow hunters named Tamara and Isaac -- the latter of whom gets his damn fool self killed in a most delightfully gruesome manner by Gluttony -- Our Intrepid Heroes eventually prevail, though not before they manage to slaughter at least five of the unfortunate humans the Sins possessed during their brief sojourn topside, and after an awkwardly penned denouement, the boys grumble off towards yet another season of adventures through truck-stop America in their trusty 1967 Impala.
God, that was dull.
Crackle, Crackle...what? Okay, first the lovely images of Raoul and his trusty compatriots are banished from Television Without Pity, and now The Kripkeeper's thrown out the Crackle, Crackle! in favor of a dirge-like church bell tolling as some dreary, '80s-retro Spinal-Tap-without-the-attitude metallic capitals blur in on the screen to shimmer "THE ROAD SO FAR" for a moment before fading into black? This is bullshit!
Oh, the hell with it. If I start screaming about everything that's wrong with this episode here at the four-second mark, this recap's going to end up somewhere in the 300 page range, and tonight's dishearteningly underwhelming third-season premiere just isn't worth it, so let's just jump right into the Previouslys, shall we?
As that bell tolls again, The Reaper glides silently past El Deano's scantily clad back, and just as Dean spins around in his loose-fitting hospital scrub pants to gape at all of us in the audience, Dean's voice over begins, "Look, [our worthless bastard of a so-called father's] gone now!" Thank God, and hopefully for good this time. Ignoring me completely, Dean's Voice Over continues, presumably speaking to Darling Sammy, "We have to carry out [the worthless bastard's] legacy!" The camera's by now cut over to Darling Sammy growing increasingly horrified as a marble supplicant angel begins shuddering seemingly of its own accord deep within the crypt of Our Lady Of The Dead Gay Tobeys. Don't blink, Sam! Blink, and you're dead! Oh, wait. He can't die anymore because he's a zombie, right? Never mind. Blink away, you impossibly gargantuan freak of nature! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: as Sam slowly spins to gaze with wonderment upon the holy visage of David Monahan, Dean's Voice Over concludes, "And that means hunting down as many evil sons of bitches as we possibly can!"
YEEEEAAAAAA...WHAT?! Oh, for Christ's sake. Those of you expecting another "Renegade" style Moment Of Titanic Awesomeness after that inspiring little speech were no doubt as sorely disappointed as I was when the soundtrack simply continued on with the slow opening guitar chords of "Hells Bells" by AC/DC. It's a wretchedly somber and dispiriting way for them to kick this season's ass into gear, especially as this ROAD SO FAR is one of the most cleverly and entertainingly put together I've seen on this show, so I'll be skipping through it all to hit the main points: Last season, Our Intrepid Heroes shot, sliced, impaled, gutted, punched, beat, burned, and had sex with a variety of fun-loving demonic sorts until a certain shoulder-smashing aggravation named G.I. Jake put a stop to their yearlong romp by plunging a knife into Darling Sammy's remarkably broad back. El Deano -- tremendous pussy that he not-so-secretly-anymore is -- quickly descended into a distressing series of girly and tear-streaked chick flick moments over Darling Sammy's fifteen-foot-long corpse until he finally traded his eternal soul plus all remaining years of his life save one in exchange for a zombified Sam, who may or may not be quite himself, entirely, after his resurrection. And while Our Dear Boys did then manage to slaughter their lifelong enemy The Ceiling Demon, it was not before The Ceiling Demon managed to open a damned door to Hell, thereby releasing hundreds -- if not thousands -- of ancient and long-imprisoned evils once more upon the planet, surprisingly few of whom were once married to Zsa Zsa Gabor. Got all that? Good, 'cause it's time for the...