A Knight To Remember

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | 1 USERS: C
A Knight To Remember

The evening opens with a fade-in on a non-existent constellation in the night sky above San Francisco. It looks a bit like Orion, but the sword and head sections are far too pronounced. Raige voice-overs, "Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince who was about to marry a beautiful maiden." A tiny little flute with a monstrous ability to annoy tweedles Titanic-style on the soundtrack under all of this. The shot changes to a slow pan up the side of Raige's apartment building as she continues, "But an [Eeevil] enchantress wanted the prince for herself, so she could become queen and rule the entire kingdom." Raige is presently revealed to be narrating from flat on her back in her four-poster through a post-coital haze. Her gentleman escort for the evening has a Kennedy-esque row of choppers. Raige's slampiece claims to hate the wicked woman in the story already, but quickly changes his tune when Raige reveals that she always identified somehow with this anti-heroine. She carries on with the fable, babbling about how the Eeevil Enchantress bided her time until her powers were at their "darkest," then imprisoned the aforementioned beautiful maiden and cast a spell to addle the aforementioned handsome prince. "Bring together my prince and me," Raige recites. "Let him fall on bended knee. I summon -- I summon -- I can never remember the end of it," she sighs. Slampiece guesses the story ends with the prince defeating the wicked witch and rescuing his beloved. On the contrary, Raige tells him. The wicked witch gets herself knocked up, offs the prince and his intended, and goes on to rule the kingdom herself. "What kind of a [freaking lame-ass] fairy tale is that?" wonders the Slampiece. "Just one that's stayed with me for as long as I can remember," she allows. "I told you I was a weird kid." "Weird"? Not so much. "Sadistic"? Maybe. The Slampiece gets a name when he notes that Raige needs to get out of the house more often. "It'd be easier if you were around more, Glenn," she smiles flirtatiously. They roll around on the bed beneath the duvet to start round two as The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance kicks into high gear.

The camera tastefully cuts away from the fornication in progress to settle on the dust jacket of a book entitled Collected Fairy Tales: Fables, Tales and Nursery Rhymes. The cover illustration depicts a moonlit, stone-gated road running up towards a bridge that spans the moat of a walled fortress. There's a cow involved. Also, a flaming torch on the gate. The camera pans in quickly as the scene melts into life. God, is this shot cheap. They've taken live footage of a guy on a horse trotting past a presumably dung-coated peasant dragging a cow (at night, no less) and pasted it onto a computer-generated image of a Tuscan fort. You can see the seams between the two. And that flaming torch? Just as badly animated. It looks like the fake flames of Hell from the South Park movie. Anyway, we soon cut to the interior of the "castle." A lackey hustles a crimped chippie with blonde highlights into a room. "What is the meaning of this? How dare you summon me?" asks the chippie with a sibilant inflection that calls to mind Reese Witherspoon as Tracey Enid Flick. Her breasts are perilously close to popping out of her bodice. The silhouetted form of We Know It's Rose McGowan Because We All Saw The Previews apologizes to this "Lady Julia" for the inconvenience, but announces that she hadn't a choice. "The stars have aligned," We Know It's Rose notes, and I'm wondering if they either got a voice double for her or if they've run her lines through a processor. Her register is a strange low alto, not the higher-pitched California whine to which I've grown accustomed. Lady Crimped Highlights claims that We Know It's Rose doesn't frighten her. The stars can be used only for good; her prince loves her, not We Know It's Rose; she and the prince are getting married in the morning, and We Know It's Rose can't do anything about it; and am I going to cheer when We Know It's Rose smacks you down for not shutting the hell up. We Know It's Rose whips her silhouetted hands at Lady Crimp High, and a quick, sudden blast of air flings Lady Crimp High against a wall. As an iron portcullis drops improbably from the ceiling, the local WB affiliate loses the picture from the national feed. When the picture is restored, Lady Crimp High has been imprisoned behind The Improbable Portcullis. "My Westley will rescue me," she claims, squeezing the bars of The Improbable Portcullis in her hands. Okay, not so much. She actually asks We Know It's Rose why she's tormenting her so. We Know It's Rose strides into the light thrown from a flaming brazier to announce, "Because this is my destiny, not yours." We'll get to her costume in a minute. For now, the opening credits.

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