Everyone who isn't an utter dirt bag fails this episode. At life, but also more specific tasks. Naomi fails at adulthood when she regains control of her trust fund and goes on a tear. She buys back all her friends with Tiffany necklaces, buys a load of other friends with a big splashy 18th birthday party, and buys a new car for plowing down Rapemeister Cannon. Inevitably, everything blows up in her face because no shiny trinket will distract Silver from the fact that Naomi tried to bag her boyfriend. Naomi fails at apologies and honesty by concocting some ridiculous roofie story. Her dishonesty catches up with her eventually, right as Teddy's dishonesty catches up with him after he fails at sobriety and drinks himself into several Jackie Taylor-Silver-like stupors. Feeling betrayed by all those closest to her, Silver runs into the arms of Cannon, on whom she has developed a school girl crush. And who has developed a jailhouse crush on her.
Annie fails at carrying a cup of coffee. Truly. But technically she fails up when the person she spills on is a dream boat. He proposes a make-up coffee date, only with less spilling, but she brings up her unresolved fail-mance with Liam. For his part, Liam fails at having any common sense. At all. Guess those man bangs sometimes get in the way of cerebral processing . He takes parolee Annie for a date on a boat he is just "borrowing" while the owner is away. Annie skips that shit and is back to the arms of her Coffee Cutie. Who we learn is Liam's half-brother. Genetic fail.
I can't even start to tell you the multitudes of ways in which Ivy fails, so I shan't try. Though, to be fair, it's Dixon who fails at not being a prick frat boy, as he hits up the bar with Ausscar and lets a bachelorette take a body shot off of him. Of course pictures are taken, of course they get back to Ivy, and of course she looks to floppy-locked Ausscar for consolation. If any of you didn't figure out well ahead of time that Ausscar paid the bachelorette to set Dixon up, you fail.
And Matthews and Jen fail at even making the E-plot bearable. In short, she's a massive bitch who can't keep an assistant. He's a loser with nothing to do. Ever. And the miracle of false labor and real desperation reunites them for the moment. At least now my fast forwarding will be consolidated!
Previously: Ivy returned home to an Aus-hole family friend that bangs everything that moves, including her MILF and soon enough her. Navid's cut-rate doppelganger got banged upside the head in a car accident and died, leaving AAdrianna a notebook full of bangin' pop confections. A banged-up knee jeopardized Teddy's chances of being a professional tennis player. Matthews used to bang Naomi's sister Jen, resulting in a mop-headed little bun in the oven. Annie rejected Liam and his man bangs. And Naomi, after being brutalized by a teacher, regressed to the bad place and tried to bang everyone in school, including Teddy.
We open with a slide show. My how these writers are mastering the modern capabilities of television! Jen has prepared the slide show (featuring Edie Sedgwick and Lindsay Lohan, among others) to argue for an extension of her control over Naomi's trust fund. She claims too much, too young is a fatal mix for an impressionable youth. Makes me wonder why she even prepared this janky slide show when all she had to do was say "What has two thumbs and has gotten all fucked up on daddy's money? This girl!" It's a little rich coming from someone who's been married, estranged, reconciled, divorced, bought a race horse, and gotten knocked up by Ryan MFing Matthews, is all I'm saying.
Jen suggests that she keep control over Naomi's money until Naomi is 21, ideally 25. Such ludicrous hypocrisy sends Naomi over the edge -- of the table. Seriously, bitch launches herself across the conference room like she's on a pogo stick. The trust executor lawyer holds her back and says he agrees with Jen. Given the preceding display of a crazy, I might tend to, too. Luckily for Naomi, the lawyer admits he has no power to change the terms of her trust and is giving her the money anyway. Naomi jumps up and down screeching about how rich she is, then takes to the table again to kick her feet in the air like a little kid. Score another victory for crazy!
Over at Ivy's house, MILF walks into her bedroom to find Aussie Oscar, draped across her bed in a low-slung towel, proposing the next spot in the house they should taint with their taints. Ivy knocks on the door to retrieve a piece of clothing her mom borrowed. MILF buys time by saying she's changing, stating the extremely obvious that Ivy probably wouldn't approve of their little May-September romance. She mentions in passing that Ivy is traditional and inexperienced, which only piques Ausscar's creepy interest all the more.
Elsewhere, Annie picks up a coffee downtown. She's so engrossed in a book she's reading that she bumps into someone on the way out. He's a handsome UCLA freshman who forgives her faux pas, though, because he's an aspiring playwright who commends her for reading August: Osage County. She hands him a flyer for the theater company where she's interning because they are running that very play right now. She apologizes again for spilling on him and offers to pay for his dry cleaning. He says he'd prefer if she took him to the theater some time. She bumbles about her no-mance with Liam, but the persistent fellow gives her his phone number on the chance she changes her mind.
West Bev. Teddy catches Silver as she rides up on her Vespa. She gives him the cold shoulder as he tries to explain Naomi's slutacious freak-out the other night. Silver's still baffled but believes Teddy when he says he would never betray her like that. It doesn't excuse what an ass he was to her earlier in the evening and says he can't take out his frustrations on her. She has no patience for mean drunks after growing up with the malicious Jackie Taylor-Silver. He apologizes again, earnestly, and Silver forgives him.
Inside, Naomi gives Annie a present for her (Naomi's) birthday. She explains that it's thanks for Annie's friendship, not to mention a long overdue indulgence celebrating Naomi gaining control of her trust fund. She announces that she's going to throw a major birthday party for herself and leave all the kiddy crap behind. Annie reminds Naomi that she's still got some kiddy crap to deal with, namely apologizing to Silver, and a necklace isn't going to cut it.
Meanwhile, Ol' Rapey McRaperson Cannon is advising Silver about how to conduct interviews for her senior project. She does a practice interview with him, finding out along the way that his wife recently left him. She reveals a budding school girl crush as she falls all over herself in assuring him he didn't deserve to be left and that he's great and smart and talented... and a rapist! Which I'm starting to think Silver will find out soon enough. She apologizes for being inappropriate, but he turns on the charm and seductively tells her that her comments are much needed and much appreciated. My skin is much crawling. The bell rings, and they set up an appointment for the next day. Silver heads out, then doubles back to ask if she left a scarf behind. Cannon says he hasn't seen it. After Silver leaves, we see that he's holding onto it as a trophy. Serial rapist plot line starts now! Credits.
We rejoin Silver in the quad. AAdrianna calls asking Silver to distract her while she's home waiting for a call from Ivy's MILF, who is listening to the new songs she stole from dead Navid Lite's corpse. Naomi interrupts, so Silver hangs up, ready for a serious apology. Naomi insists she doesn't remember and claims she was roofied. Lies spill out of mouth one after the other. Fortunately for her, Silver takes her at her word, and they're back to BFF. At least until she cocks it up again. Which she will.
In the office, Annie's coffee-stained suitor is in the building. The receptionist refuses to give out student information, so he leaves a note. And looks creepy as Hell while doing it.
Speaking of creeps, Ausscar finds Dixon in the hall to try to start fresh and apologize for tagging along on all Dixon and Ivy's dates. Dixon offers to introduce Ausscar around so he has more friends than Ivy. Normally I'd say good luck, but considering what ass hats make up Dixon's social circle, Ausscar will probably get along swimmingly.
Down the hall, Cannon creeps up on Silver to invite her to help him edit his documentary. This is so the modern equivalent of when men in the olden days used to say to girls after a date, "Why don't you come upstairs, and I'll show you my sketches." Ugh. Silver says she can't come because she's going to Naomi's birthday party that night. Cannon clams up at the mention of Naomi, calling her a liar that almost destroyed his life. He walks off in a tizzy, telling Silver to have fun, but the underlying message is that he's going to punish Silver for her friendship with Naomi.