Covenant (2)

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The MB Strikes Back!

And now, on a very special Smallville (or,for some, "The hour that I killed before the last episode of Angel), a special fresh episode, a funky fresh, hairless, mob-boss-house-exploding episode that will make you think, "Gee, I wonder what's in the fridge. Grapes? Feta cheese? Both, maybe?" You've been warned.

This is the first Smallville episode that I've watched, at least in part, in HDTV (dreams really do come true!). Gotta say: that Papa Luthor has got some serious wrinkles. That Clark Kent? He really, really doesn't.

We open the gateway to my summer freedom with the infamous Blue Filter of Creepy Night. Feminine feet (or perhaps Lex's) are walking naked through the woods. The fog is thick and decidedly un-Kansan. Spooky/tinkly music plays. From behind, we see that it's a blonde. I'm hoping it's not one half of Nelson. The nude girl, who has shampooed recently, stops, then keeps walking. "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Nature Girl thinks, "No, wait, I do!" Nature Girl approaches a back road. There must be a Noxzema stand somewhere in the deep woods. An SUV suddenly approaches from nowhere, its headlights illuminating our fair-haired nudist. The SUV honks, but instead of dodging, Nature Girl raises her arms and brings them back down in a Captain Kirk judo chop. Wha-CHOP! She hits the hood of the SUV, and the thing flips forward and over her in a Hellboy homage. Aren't SUVs supposed to roll sideways? In any case, she's fulfilled one of my secret fantasies as SUVs are concerned, so I won't overanalyze. The vehicle doesn't quite make a full flip, and then crashes. It explodes immediately. Crash test dummies everywhere watch the scene in horror. Layered-Hair Nature Girl is like, "Yeah, truck, you got swerved!" More fire. We cut to an unnecessary shot from behind the truck fire of Nature Girl's sort-of-hidden ass, giving the show a shout-out to itself for the famous Ass of Fire Clark Butt Shot. A female silhouette walks past us. Gee, it took guest-recapper Kim to make me realize how padded some of these scenes really are. The truck exploded. We get it. Let's move on.

Every nudist in Kansas knows to go straight to the Kent Farm, where even the cows are treated like gods of desire. Nudist Girl walks behind strategically filmed fence posts to cover her naughty bits as she walks toward the front door.

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