Charmed
Exit Strategy

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Exit Strategery

Fade up on an impressively large spider scuttling up its web. We’re back in the Mausoleum’s mausoleum, and while I’m glad Brad Kern is getting his money’s worth out of this set, I’m regretting my decision to call it the Mausoleum’s mausoleum in the first place. I’m just sick of typing that out. An out-of-focus form enters, and before the shot clears itself up we hear the dulcet tones of Prue Halliwell echoing off the marble, bellowing Phoebe’s name. Prue wanders through the room and eventually finds Phoebe, curled up asleep at the base of the bier containing the mortal remains of Cole’s father. We’ll get to his spiritual remains later, just so you know. Prue gently rouses her sister. Phoebe’s first word upon awakening is, of course, “Cole?” Prue urges Phoebe to return to the manor with her. Phoebe wants to remain there in the hope that her cuddly little demon will deign to show his face. Prue gently suggests that Cole can just as easily contact Phoebe back at the house if he wishes to do so. Phoebe groggily rises to her feet and exposits that Cole “was supposed to go back under” so his buddies in the demonic fraternity of Bi Krappa Stigma “wouldn’t be suspicious of him. However, “it’s been over a week” since Cole did so, and the Halliwells have yet to hear from him. Prue supposes Cole simply hasn’t been able to extricate himself from the situation as easily as he thought he would. Phoebe darkly proposes that the Bi Kraps just won’t let Cole go. Prue attempts further to reassure Phoebe, reminding her, “You don’t make Demon of the Century without having a few tricks up your sleeve.” Phoebe sighs, and reiterates her wish to know once and for all if her boyfriend’s all right. Prue slings an arm around Phoebe, and they head to the mausoleum’s exit.

Cut to the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Cole’s zonked out on his back on a stone slab. A couple of dozen candles blaze merrily at his side. Ian Buchanan holds his left hand over Cole’s face as Tarquin, the freakishly hairy genetic mistake from the combined loins of Ron Jeremy and Bruce Vilanch, looks on. Cole’s face periodically glows orange; then the orange glow sweeps up into the palm of Ian’s outstretched hand. Referencing the vanquished Vornack from last week’s episode, Ian announces, “It seems our brother’s suspicions were correct.” The genetic mistake wonders what’s wrong with the Colethazor. “Sickness” is Ian’s answer. “The kind that comes from being in the World of Light too long.” The genetic mistake finds this hard to believe. The Colethazor is, like, the most stupendously hella wicked demon ever. How could such a paragon of evil be ill? Ian foxtrots away from the Colethazor with some more of the exposition. Belthazor, Cole’s demonic half, is perfectly fine. It’s Cole’s human half that has become “infected.” With what, you ask? Why love, of course. I suppose I should capitalize that particular four-letter word. And spell it “Luuuurve.” But I just can’t be bothered at this point. The genetic mistake, upon hearing the nature of the Colethazor’s affliction, sneers, “The witch!” Oh, but not just any old witch, as Ian explains: “One of the Charmed Ones.” Yeah, we know. Move it along, guys. Ian gives a one-line recap of the previous episode, revealing to the genetic freak that Phoebe’s turned Cole against his former brothers at the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. She in fact sent Cole to “destroy” them. The mutation from the shallow end of the gene pool proposes that they destroy Cole instead. Ian tut-tuts this, noting, “You don’t just kill a demon like Belthazor.” Because the Colethazor got to know the Halliwells so well, he is now possessed of a unique understanding of the manner in which the sisters may be murdered. That knowledge, combined with the Colethazor’s outstanding powers, “makes [him] a very precious commodity” for the Bi Kraps. Ian proposes to “save” the Colethazor. The mutant freak wonders how Ian plans to accomplish this. “We remove the only thing that’s reawakened his human half -- his only foothold to good,” Ian explains. “The witch’s love for him.” The freak Gets It. Ian and the freak gaze down at Cole. There’s a slow pan down to his unconscious face, and we cut to the credits.

Back from the break, we find Piper in the kitchen, shuffling through a mound of paperwork on the table. The Dolt enters from the hall with a small English-to-French phrasebook in his right hand. He “comically” mangles the pronunciation of the sentence “Ou est la Tour Eiffel?” and then translates the sentence for Piper. Piper notes that the Dolt’s new “mastery” of the native tongue of Paris won’t do him any good if they can’t manage to procure a passport for him. This discussion has apparently come up before. Precisely when, I couldn’t tell you. The Dolt reminds Piper that they can just orb on over to France. Only he manages to “comically” mangle the pronunciation of “les Champs Elysees” while doing so. So, you expect me to believe he can speak Whitelighterese, which as we heard sounds more complicated to master than Swahili, but he can’t get a handle on French? Whatever. Oh, and: Shut up, Dolt. In any and all languages you know. Piper would “rather fly Air France than Air Leo, just like every other normal newlywed.” The Dolt reminds her that they’re not normal. Speak for yourself, corpse. Holly Marie Combs makes a terribly amusing face as she shoots the Dolt down. She insists that a passport will somehow automatically endow her cadaver of a husband with normalcy. All they have to do is find his birth certificate, which conveniently appears in her hand at that moment. Dan Dan the Stinky Man from last season left behind the dossier he had compiled on the Dolt, and this is what Piper has been leafing through in search of proper documentation. Banter about the Stinky Man follows, then the Dolt takes a look at his birth certificate. “This isn’t going to work,” he insists. “I was born in 1924.” Granted, I’m not an expert on Dolt-related back-story, but wasn’t he a doctor in World War II? How many twenty-year-old physicians do you know? That’s right. None. Whatever.

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