Random New Girl on the Island a.k.a. Nikki stumbles out of the woods and into the middle of Hurley and Sawyer's ping-pong game. She drops to the ground muttering about her new starring role on the American version of Footballer's Wives. Sawyer and Hurley gather the Lostaways to solve the mystery. They rush into the jungle only to find Random New Guy Whose Name I Never Learned (a.k.a. Paolo) lying dead in the middle of the path. Since neither had any obvious signs of trauma, their deaths are a mystery that can only be solved by a massive dose of flashbacks.
Turns out that Nikki and Paolo are diamond thieves, murderers, and general nogoodniks. They killed some old guy back in Australia and stole his diamonds. After the plane crash they spent all their time looking for the carry-on bag with the diamonds, which totally explains why we didn't see them for two and a half seasons. See? It all makes sense! Anyway, as all Lost fans know, Craphole Island no likey thieving nogoodnik murderers. Once Nikki realizes that Paolo found the diamonds and hadn't told her about it, she is determined to get them back. When Sawyer (in a rare moment of clear-headedness) won't give her a gun she does what any sensible Girl Scout would do: she uses a rare paralyzing spider to knock him out and steal the diamonds. But then she gets bitten by one of the spider's friends! Wait. Paralyzing spider? That means they're paralyzed! They're not dead! They're not dead! Well, maybe now they are.
And Shannon, Boone? We donât really miss you.
Nikki is running through the jungle. ... Wait. What? Who is Nikki? ... Nikki. You know, blondish. Hispanic-ish. There are only forty or so survivors, how could you not know who she is? She's been here the whole time. No, I'm not joking. I swear! She's a little shy. A little wallflower hiding in the background for the last two and a half seasons. Not wanting to get involved. Just a wee shrinking violet content to remain in the shadows of the palm trees and blue tarps on the beach. No, really. She was there. You just weren't looking hard enough. Just shut up and accept it, okay? Geez. So where was I? Oh, right: Nikki is running. She is running fast. She looks like she just ran off the set of Personal Best. What, you didn't see her in that either? She was there! Running right next to Mariel Hemingway. Really. I swear! So Nikki is running through the jungle. She throws herself to the ground and buries something in the dirt. She stumbles as she gets up, grabs her bag, and runs head-on into a flashback.
Ooh, this is interesting -- we are in a strip club. Tee hee! I'm blushing. An announcer intones, "Ladies and gentlemen, now appearing on stage three is The Pride of St. Paul." I was expecting a stripper done up just like the St. Pauli girl with a leather dirndl and beer steins covering her hoo-hahs. Or at least dressed like Prince (the other Pride of St. Paul). But apparently the Pride of St. Paul is a stripper in a white mini trench and newsboy cap stage-named Corvette. It is, of course, Nikki. She dances around in a pretty sparkly bikini until some sketchy guy with a ponytail and suitcase walks in. Is a skeevy dude with a ponytail supposed to be out of place in a strip club? Corvette gives the guy the stank-eye as he makes his way into a back office. She re-dons her trench and marches into the office. She quickly sizes up the situation and yells at a chair wearing a hat, "No! That's the money for the orphanage! That means, Mr. Leshade, you're The Cobra!" The chair wearing a hat turns around slowly and holy Lando! it's Billy Dee Williams. He says it is nothing personal, just business. Corvette is in shock. She can't believe it was him the whole time! Billy Dee Williams then declares that she is pretty and smart. Too bad she has to die! The man with the ponytail pulls out a gun. Corvette yells, "Razzle dazzle!" and kicks the gun out of his hand. "Razzle dazzle"? Is that like when Jem and the Holograms would yell "Synergy!"? Or is it just some cool stripper argot that I don't know?