Revelations
Hour 1

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Get ready for your miracle!
We begin with the Big Bang, as Professor Lampley explains, "It's as probable for a tornado traveling through a junkyard to produce Buckingham Palace than for [sic] life to emerge from the Big Bang, but emerge it did -- into the hands of man." And obviously, that's been such a great success. Roll the obligatory news footage of death and destruction. Actually, I'm in full agreement with the writers so far. People do suck. But I should mention that I've recapped Point Pleasant as well as multiple seasons of 7th Heaven, so I've got a pretty good excuse to be bitter about the state of mankind. I love the image of the different ages of humans as we evolved from those really hunched-up people who were our ancestors billions of years ago. Well, yes, I did major in English and never took a single science course after high school. Why do you ask?

After running through some realistic-looking footage, we settle on a newscaster who tells us the story of Dr. Richard Massey, a Harvard astrophysicist whose daughter Lucinda was murdered by Satanist Isaiah Haden. "Satanist." Gee, there's a word you don't hear in the real news every day. The newscaster says Haden used the girl's heart in some religious ceremony. I guess I'm supposed to be shocked by that, but really, I'm far too busy being perplexed by the fact that, in the next scene, Dr. Richard Massey is sitting on the same plane as his nemesis, Satanist Isaiah Haden. He's sitting just a few seats over -- in the same row, even. No, really. In fact, IsaiahSatanist is trying to engage Richard in some friendly chitchat about the turbulence they're flying through. He also has some theories on where each of them might end up should the plane crash. (I'll give you a hint: IsaiahSatanist is probably going to the place with the accordion music.) He thinks he's proving something when he snaps his fingers and the turbulence stops. To tell you the truth, I didn't even notice that the first time I watched, so, as compelling drama goes, it falls a little short. But Isaiah looks completely self-satisfied as he leans back his head for a nap.

Bill Pullman doesn't do much of anything, including acting. He does manage to look mildly annoyed, though, as he goes back to watching the newscast that's on the screen in front of him. The next story has to do with the sighting of a shadow on a mountainside -- a shadow that looks like Christ crucified. Am I being overly cynical when I say I'm really not impressed and couldn't care less? Yeah? Well, too bad. Seriously, like God doesn't have better things to do with His or Her time than make shadow puppets on a mountainside? This scene introduces us to Sister Josepha Montafiore, who, unfortunately, is taken in by the "milagro de la montagna." My Spanish is a little rusty, on account of the fact that I've never learned any, but I think that translates to "two guys behind some bushes with a really big slide projector." I mean, this is totally a frat prank.

Dr. Richard arrives at his destination, Boston, where he is harassed by a crowd of reporters. Ready to whisk him away is none other than Martin Starr, or, as he will always be known to me, Bill Haverchuck from Freaks and Geeks! It's kind of a shame that I've never seen Martin in anything else but this show, which is not exactly bowling me over yet. Still, if this helps his career, it will be at least one good thing that came out of this production. I'm not holding out much hope, though.

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