Alias
In Dreams…

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admin: B- | 1 USERS: B
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The (Creepy Little) Orchid Thief

Previously on Alias: Spy Daddy went cuckoo, and Syd had to dress up as her own mother to find out the location of the only doctor alive who could save him. Elena stole the Hydrosec and disappeared and will ostensibly no longer be making any tasty empanadas for young Eric Weiss. Dixon had less than nothing to do. And yes, that is a crime. What's more of a crime? How much I hate that I now have to go see bloody Monster-in-Law because my friend Megan told me how it wasn't until she saw Michael Vartan's face projected above her thirty feet high that she noticed just how damn handsome he is and now I'll have to see the stupid thing because MICHAEL VARTAN THIRTY FEET HIGH? Dayum. ["Michael Vartan on a billboard on the Jersey Turnpike, meanwhile? Looks like Jason Alexander. I…don't know what to tell you." -- Sars]

Props and mad thanks to the honorable Stef for scrambling a DVD of this episode directly over to me when I stupidly unplugged my TiVo for over twenty-four hours because I had to move a bunch of crap around my living room because the BOXES AREN'T PACKING THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW, AND I HATE PACKING AND MOVING AND CAN'T I GO TO SLEEP YET?

Ahem. Let's get on with Jennifer Jason Leigh Love Hewitt Garner Affleck's directorial debut, shall we?

Holy Brotherhood of Strapping Hot Monks. A black car and a black van drive up to the gates of the Holy Brotherhood. Sloane Clone gets out, dressed all in white. A Hot Monk greets him and another Hot Monk checks him for weapons. Finally, Sloane Clone is cleared and he goes to meet Father Kampinski. The camera pans back and up, and lo and behold, there's the Rambaldi symbol right on the gate. Once inside the building, Sloane meets Father Kampinski, the hottest of the Hot Monks and one of my favorite character actors, John Benjamin Hickey. Sloane Clone wants something that Sexy Kampinski has: namely, his bees. Or at least the knowledge Sexy Kampinski has acquired that's allowed him to basically breed the aggression out of them. Sexy Kampinski corrects Sloane Clone, saying that the aggression is still there, but the need for it has been removed. He says that these beeeszzzzzz…

Oh! I'm sorry. I nodded off there for a second. Man. You know an episode's getting off to a slow start when even hot monks can't keep your attention.

So, yeah, the bees. They have a venomous sting. But they're hard to antagonize and they choose productivity over aggression. Aggression is a distraction. Sexy Kampinski illustrates the calmness of the bees by drifting his hand through one of their hives. No idea how they achieved that shot, actually. Unless he's covered in Acme Bee-Away. Sloane Clone asks how Sexy Kampinski managed this miraculous task of taming bees, and he's rewarded with a rambling answer that's basically full of hot monk bullshit: lots of God and magic and whatever. Finally, he comments that with the right blend of genetic engineering, dietetic supplements and behavior modification -- "You could create a new species," says Sloane Clone. Sexy Kampinski tamps down that idea right away, saying that no, they'd just create a better bee. Although why you'd really WANT a better bee is beyond me, honestly. Unless you're overly fond of honey. Or black and yellow stripes.

They enter the greenhouse, and Sexy Kampinski tells Sloane Clone that they've managed to create bees that work harder and longer, all for the common good. That's when Sloane Clone sees the orchid over in the corner. He calls it by its proper name, paphiopedilum khan, and says it's the rarest form of lady slipper orchid, thought to be extinct. It exists, or at least has existed, according to Google. Sexy Kampinski suddenly looks nervous and says that the orchid isn't the real thing; it's just a close cousin. Sloane Clone disagrees and moves forward to examine the flower. "What do you want?" asks Sexy Kampinski. Why, Sloane Clone just wants to hang out for awhile. Do some research. Maybe take a cutting of the orchid. You know, in exchange for $50 million bucks deposited into the Hot Monk accounts in Vanuatu and Samoa. Kampinski is all, yeah, I may be hot, dude, but I'm not STUPID. I'm a man of God, you short little monkey. Not a merchant. Take your creepy white-suited ass back home where it belongs and bugger off. Sloane Clone takes this rather well, and gets on the horn to his people and says that he's coming home.

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