Bachelorette
Island Of Tropic Diseases

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Loser Is As Loser Does

Meredith "Count Bland-ula" Phillips (that is her last name, right? I've never used it once. Where am I? Who are these people? What's going on? Who took my pants? I miss my fly-fly, dada!) sits on her bed packing colorful yellow clothing she must be saving for an upcoming "Come As Your Favorite Color That Isn't, In Fact, Just The Absence Of All Color" costume party. Poor Meredith. It seems that just as she's arrived at her manse, already the cruel demigods of reality television are casting her back into the cold, cold world. So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall. So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall. Where am I going to? You'll get by you always have before. Where am I going to? Meredith. Don't ask...anymore.

You won't have to ask anymore, Meredith, because you're going on an all-expense-paid trip to scenic, tropical Puerto Rico! She tells us, "I'm really excited to go on these overnight dates with these guys" in a monotone vocal cadence that indicates that her excitement for the situation is somewhere between the range of "I just spilt tomato juice all over myself during the first twenty minutes of a flight to Tokyo" and "my puppy is in a coma real, real bad." Nevertheless, she soldiers on, really selling it: "I'm gonna learn a lot about these guys, which is a great thing." Unless you learn that one dude lives with his mom. Or that another dude only wants to speak through the universal language of lurve. Or that yet another dude has incurable vampire brow. Anyway, Meredith, good luck with all that "learning."

We discover through her continued "confessional filibuster" (one wonders how I've never used that expression before) that Meredith has "invited" (because "by contractual decree" has such a judicial ring to it) each of the remaining guys to three different Puerto Rican cities for her overnight, intimate one-on-one dates. Three different Puerto Rican cities? Puerto Rico has three cities now? Wait. WAIT. I'm just kidding. I've actually been to that self-styled "commonwealth" many times, and I know much about its rich history and the inability of its people to participate in the electoral process for reasons I can't completely understand. A proud and registered citizen of the mainland, Meredith casts her vote for Ian to meet her in San Juan, Chad to kick it in Isla Verde, and Matthew to not win in Dorado. Now I know Puerto Rico isn't exactly the biggest rock on earth, but I have to say that, from my own experience, I know there's only, like, twenty miles separating the two farthest cities on this itinerary, those cities being San Juan and Dorado. And if the "Isla Verde" is the same overdeveloped, touristy Isla Verde I stayed in when I was there, that town is literally about seven miles away from San Juan and means, translated into English, "San Juan, but shitty."

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