Ed
Lloyd

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O Brother, Where Art Thy Brains?

All right, first off, I don't want any crap from any of you kids out there, but Uncle Bob missed the first five minutes of the show this week. My VCR, which has always been a trustworthy little bitch in the past, didn't kick in at 7 PM Central this week. Luckily, I jumped up, ran to the VCR, and started it after the opening credits. Never fear, though -- I've watched enough episodes of Ed that I can pretty much make up a five-minute opener and nobody would be the wiser. So here goes...

We open the show with Ed and Carol sitting at the snack bar at the Stuckey Bowl. Carol asks Ed if he has a brother because she's trying to line up any other male on the planet besides Ed in case Jackass moves to Minnesota. Ed says he does have a brother, but he's kind of the black sheep of the family. Carol asks how so, and Ed explains that his brother joined the military at the age of eighteen, blew portions of his right foot off on purpose in order to get an honorable discharge, then began delivering pizzas for a living, but was never at the house in thirty minutes or less, because his foot was little more than a stump and that made it hard to use the accelerator in his car, so most times he was lucky to get the pizza to its destination the same week it was ordered. Mike walks in, scopes the place out, walks over to Ed and Carol, and bets Ed $10 he won't reach over and fondle Carol's breasticles, twisting them while saying, "Come in Tokyo, this is the U.S.S. Edward J. Stevens....come in Tokyo." Ed smirks and goes to do it, but Carol gives him a look that says, "Try it and you're rotting Spam, Stevens." Ed sighs, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ten-spot, and slaps it in Mike's palm as Mike cackles hysterically. Phil walks over and says he's out of here for the episode because he's got a pretty good feeling that Ed's brother will be stopping by soon, and Ed's brother will probably be ten times the goofball that Phil is and there's no way he's going to hang around to check out the competition. So he leaves. Carol asks Ed, "What was that all about?" and Ed says he's not sure, but he thinks Phil was dropped on his head as a baby and has gained psychic powers. Mike passes gas and they all laugh hysterically. Now then...was I even close?!

Opening credits. Which...I didn't see. So my painful weekly ritual of retching during the opening theme song is granted a temporary retrieve.

In the halls of Stuckeyville High, MegaMark is breathing down Diane's neck as she tries to finish a chapter in a book entitled How To Land The Man You Want By Setting Him Up With The School's Hottie And Watching Him Fall On His Ass. MegaMark asks Diane how in the world can she read for pleasure. She doesn't acknowledge him, and he says that the only book he's ever read for pleasure was Valley of the Dolls. Warren pops up and asks them what they're doing tomorrow night; MegaMark says he's never doing anything tomorrow night. Warren slaps a flyer on MegaMark's chest -- which threatens to eat the flyer alive with the massive amounts of flesh under MegaMark's right man-boob -- and announces that they're all going to a fraternity party. Apparently, Phi Delta Xena Warrior Princess is having a party, and Warren's decided that the three loserteers are going. Diane looks at the flyer and says that it's only for members. This doesn't concern Warren, who's teasing MegaMark with the news that the place will be swarming with hotties, and maybe the boys will finally get some hot sorority girl action, because sorority girls appreciate high-school boys. Uh huh. And bin Laden appreciates American ingenuity. Diane sarcastically tells the guys to have fun, and Warren half-assedly begs her to tag along as she walks away. Warren asks MegaMark if they might want to wear togas. MegaMark asks if it's a toga party, and Warren says it isn't. MegaMark says, "Then no." The thought of MegaMark in a toga has suddenly taken the place of the theme song as far as making me want to spew chunks of meat loaf around the room, yet I amazingly fight the urge.

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