Episode Report Card
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"Who's your daddy" isn't necessarily a rhetorical question
So remember how last week, just as Lily and Josh were getting married, Va-Jane-Ah's water broke in the Palace kitchen? You'd think tonight's episode would just begin in the hospital after Va-Jane-Ah had given birth, with her cleaned up and holding a blanket-wrapped bundle, but no. The episode begins moments after last week's episode ended, with Jane going into labor and Sam and Brooke having to deliver the baby themselves. Whatever. "I can't deliver a baby," says Brooke "Butterfly" McQueen. "I barely know how my period works." Yes, Brooke, that tends to happen when anorexia forces your body to stop menstruating. I keep waiting for them to make a funny reference to either Polyester or Gone with the Wind. I mean, how can you have a character delivering a baby whose last name is McQueen and not make a joke about not knowing "nuthin about birthin' babies"? Failing that, I keep waiting for them to cut to another scene or something, but no, Jane gives birth right there on the Palace kitchen floor amidst a harried discussion about mucus plugs, contractions, and turning the baby clockwise. Ew! The baby pops out after two pushes just as Mike walks in the door. It's a brunette girl. Everyone beams.

Ah, the very last credit sequence ever. Bye Leslie Bibb, kissing the air and twirling around like a fresh playful gal in a tampon commercial. Bye Carly Pope, tilting your head and lip syncing along with Kendall Payne. Bye Tamara Mello with your spooge hair gel and toothpaste smile. Bye Harrison, standing ever so still but vibrating from the excitement of following in Jon Cryer's footsteps. Bye Sara Rue, role model to thin fat girls everywhere, giving the camera a contentious and voracious look like you want to tear it open and devour all those Pringles inside. Bye Bryce Johnson and your shifty hair. Bye Tammy Lynn Michaels, biting your lip in order to blot out the shameful memories of how far your character Nicole fell throughout the season before she redeemed herself in "Coup." Bye Ron Lester, moving from side to side in a hooded sweatshirt, irrelevant to the bitter end. Bye Leslie Grossman, scowling and then smiling -- perhaps failing to realize at the time of this shooting that you were going to steal this show and our hearts. Bye Jane, who doesn't belong in this sequence and never did. Bye Mike and your puffy under-eye area. And goodbye Diane Delano in your tacked-on glamour shot, jubilant to be joining the cast since it hasn't sunk in yet that you're basically Popular's answer to Joe E. Tata on 90210!

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