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Queen B.

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Queen B.

Well, well, well. And you wondered where I’d gone. You thought to yourselves, "Perhaps amorgan’s abandoned us. Perhaps she’s dead. Perhaps we’ll inherit her vinyl copy of Cheap Trick’s In Color." Well, think again, kids. Amorgan’s back, and she’s ready to recap. Mua-ha-ha-ha. Ahem. Anyway. Last episode on Popular, there was a food fight. But who cares about the past? Let’s look to the future.

This episode opens with squabbling. Duh. Jane and Sam are moving into the Palace with Brooke and Mike, and, hoo, it’s sure not easy. Brooke hates Sam’s lamp, Jane moves the coffee cups next to the coffee pot, it’s all mayhem and hijinks. Oh, and the sink. They fight about who’s going to get the right-hand sink in this mysteriously double-sinked bathroom. I wish my bathroom had two sinks. That’s cool. Sam barges in and starts moving all of Brooke’s shit around and going through Brooke’s expensive toiletries. Damn, rude much? It’s the liberal upbringing, I tell you. Oh, yeah. And Brooke has monogrammed towels. Both bath towels and hand towels. Demarcation line of electrical tape is laid out in the bathroom. Oh, who, oh, who is going to get the right sink? I’m going to be on pins and needles the whole show.

Mmm. Tacky credits. Dumb commercials. Blah, blah, blah.

Smug Bitch blows smoke up Principal Hall’s ass about how glad she is to have received such a stern moral lesson last episode. She’s waving a hammer around, which is delightfully spooky. Oh, it’s not to kill anyone, though, it’s just to smash open the lock of the Barbie-pink hopper full of Homecoming Queen nominations. SB pulls out lots of pieces of paper with rude messages on them, but tells the principal that they’re actually Homecoming Queen candidates. So, she rigs it, is the point here. All the Blondes, plus Carmen (the Carmen nomination is a great joke, get it?). Segue into the most wonderful nomination sequence on television, with the Miss America theme song playing, and a beautiful tiara placed on each girl’s head. My favorite is Mary Cherry, because she’s got the runny mascara.

And, oh my God, cut to the most insane-looking girl in the entire world, leaving a message on Freddie Gong’s answering machine. April Tuna, vice-president of the Chess Club? I think I’m in love. Dude, what’s up with her hair? She tells Freddie that she and her sister, May, have scheduled "meet ‘n’ greets" with all the Homecoming nominees, but doesn’t get much farther than that -- because Mary Cherry shoves her out of the way so she can call her mom, DELTA BURKE!! WOW! Mrs. Cherry (first name: Cherry) would give J.R. Ewing a hard-on so stiff he could drive a nail through a board. Hee hee. She’s even got little model oil wells on her desk. Wow. And may I take this moment to say that ol’ Delta is looking just as svelte and glamorous as can be? Oh, and double wow, as she tells MC that she’d better not be "calling from the hot house, picked up for shoplifting again." HA! Ooohhh. Homicidal Texan pageant contestants from days past are invoked, as MC tells her mom that she’ll do "ennything" to get that crown. Yay! I love a good pageant murder. Maybe she’ll kill Brooke and make this show much more interesting.

Cut to the lunchroom. Mary Cherry and Poppy are getting all worked up about campaigning, but Smug Bitch scolds them roundly for daring to compete with Brooke. I think her friendship with Brooke is sweet. But really, really weird. Anyway, of course the other Blondes don’t care for this one bit, but meekly agree, with treachery in their hearts. Brooke sits down with them on the heels of this conversation, and SB tells Brooke that the other Blondes are going to vote for Brooke. Hmmm, do I smell trouble brewing?

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