The Tension! The Tears! The Predictability!

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California Dreamin'

We're almost done here, so live it up.

Previously on Popstars: thousands of sad-ass people tried to be exploited on television. Only a few hundred remain. In this episode, they're narrowing it down to twenty-six for the L.A. workshop. You know the drill. In this teaser, we see shots that won't make it to the episodes, like PseudoTravis yelling at some people about "walking" on the dance floor, and getting intimidated. Also, Jaymes will have fancy new hair that makes her look like she's wearing a wig Hedwig took a piss on. She bitches that people that can't sing should probably leave the audition, but she's already flown those people out to Los Angeles in this scene, so I don't know why she still can't figure out which ones are able to sing.

We start with PseudoTravis, Jaymes, and Crapcock all in a room, watching videotapes of the finalists. We don't get to find out which finalists they're discussing, unfortunately. We just know that one guy looks shapeable, but Crapcock doesn't think they have time to work someone into shape. Jaymes thinks some girl sings like she wants to be on Broadway. Crapcock says it all right here: "We're not making Popstars; we're finding Popstars." Oh, my bad. I thought this was that show Popstars, you know, where you found kids with talent and made them Popstars. This must be that other show Lazy Bastards Looking To Ruin Lives and Make Money Off Talent.

We start with Fucking Moi. That's his official new name. He's bouncing around again like the Trix rabbit. We start with him because this show wants us to love Fucking Moi, and I find him so repulsive in just about every way. We cut to a show of Fucking Moi with his arm tossed across his girlfriend. The screen tells us her name is Vannessa Fernandes, but she doesn't get to speak a word over FM. He tells us that he's not a normal kid, and he pretty much tells us he's spent some time in jail for all of the bad things he did when he ran with a bad crowd. The narrator tells us that Fucking Moi grew up in Mexico and hasn't had much money. Fucking Moi tells us he's not upset when they're out of toilet paper. His life's been too harsh to stress on having a nasty ass. Fucking Moi brags that he sleeps in his uncle's camper, which is parked on the lawn of his parents' house.

Montage of Fucking Moi being a Fucking Monkey Boy. Oh, that's what Moi stands for.

We see footage of FM telling the judges that he doesn't know any of the songs that he's supposed to sing for the audition. Then PseudoTravis goes on about how impressed he was that FM gave them all kinds of attitude at the audition, since you're not really supposed to talk back to anyone. Then Crapcock busts in, saying that his kind of attitude isn't supposed to be a positive thing, since Crapcock got beat up by kids like FM every day in high school. Nobody cares what Crapcock has to say, though, so they make him call FM and tell him that they're inviting him to the L.A. workshop. They're still doing that thing where they sound like they're telling people no and then invite them in a way that doesn't sound like they really invited them at all. FM makes a weird noise like he really doesn't care and he already knew that he was in. Shot of FM packing up to leave. We're introduced to FM's mom, who tells us that FM can "move mountains." FM's dad, a Geraldo Rivera-looking man, tells us that he's so proud of his son and that he'll cry when he sees him perform for the first time. The narrator reminds us that FM has beaten the odds to get this slot in L.A., and we'll see him there.

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