3:00 AM – 4:00 AM

Episode Report Card
admin: B | Grade It Now!
And she said, "Kiefer, it's 3 AM and I'm feelin' lonely."

At 3:17:35, Palmer finally decides to give his Secret Service detail the time of day. They enter his office, tell him about the assassination attempt, and explain that this one is different. "I get serious threats every morning with my orange juice," says Palmer. Secret Service Guy tells Palmer about the overseas marksman and the exploded plane. "These are serious people who want you dead today," says Secret Service Guy. Palmer takes this in but refuses to change his schedule, as it's the day of an important primary. Theo Huxtable enters and asks Palmer about the threat. Palmer assures his son that the Secret Service is taking good care of him. "They better," says Theo. "Or I'll kill them just like I did that guy who raped my sister." Actually, he didn't say that last part. I'm just trying to nudge the plot along.

At 3:19:10, the Purple Van is careening along the streets of L.A.; inside, Spawn of Kiefer is still whining about Princess Roadkill and trying to cause divisiveness between the Evil Frat Boys. Rick seems to be taking Spawn's side when all of sudden EFB2 makes a sudden U-turn. "You know, she may be right after all," says EFB2. "If she's alive, she can ID us." Realizing that they're going to kill her friend, Spawn whines even louder. Rick ties her up and puts some duct tape over her mouth. You know I'd just like to say that using force to silence a dissenting opinion from a woman is misogynist, un-American, and never something to laugh at or derive sadistic pleasure from…unless it's Spawn of Kiefer trying to save PMMS's life.

Meanwhile, Bride of Kiefer and Mr. York are driving fast and furiously to the North Hollywood Auto Body shop, where the girls said they'd be. A cop notices Mr. York's lead foot and pulls them over. Before Mr. York can hand over his license and registration -- an important detail, mind you, since we're not even sure he's PMMS's father -- he pulls a Zsa Zsa Gabor and is placed under arrest. Like, is anyone still stupid enough to talk back to a member of the LAPD in these post-Rodney King times? Ironically, while he's being cuffed, The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence drives right by. Neither GaggedSpawn nor BOK realizes how close they are to each other. The time is 3:23:50.

The time is 3:27:51. Clockwise from the top left, Mr. York is standing by a swinging light fixture, Evil Frat Boy #2 is driving GaggedSpawn around, Mason is overseeing the lockdown, and Bride of Kiefer is sitting in Mr. York's car with bad hair. Mason leads Nina into the Til-Behrens-furnished coffee room -- where Kiefer confronted Nina with the key card last week -- and tries to pump her for information. See what I just did there? "Pump"? Geddit? Nina continues to play dumb. Mason makes subtle threats. Nina reminds Mason about the dirt Kiefer has on him. Mason laughs it off, claiming that Kiefer's in way more trouble. "He's going down, Nina," says Mason, leaning in. "But that doesn't mean you have to do go down with him." How does anyone talk to Nina about "going down" with a straight face? But there's more. Mason knows about their affair, and claims that Kiefer brags about it. Nina sees through Mason's scare tactics and still refuses to talk.

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