Charmed
A Knight To Remember

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | 1 USERS: C
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A Knight To Remember

Raige totters through the dining room into the kitchen, fleeing King Road Kill's affections. She's tottering because in addition to The Horror, the napkin, the tights, and the braids, she's wearing metallic red knee-high high-heeled go-go boots. Phoebe and Piper trail behind, mightily amused by Raige's predicament. When King Road Kill announces his intention to impregnate Raige, she summons a plate from a nearby cabinet and proceeds to brain him with it. Undeterred, King Road Kill drops to one knee and starts sucking on Raige's hand. She begs Piper to freeze him. Piper makes funny with the "but I might blow him up" noises before complying. Phoebe guesses that King Road Kill must be operating under some sort of "love spell." Raige confirms this. Piper asks Raige why "Sir Lust-a-Lot" has been hounding her rather than the Eeevil Enchantress. Raige hasn't a clue, and moreover is offended by the question. "Why should I know?" "Because it's your damn fairy tale, and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen," is Piper's pert reply. Raige tosses her hands in the air and storms out into the hall, past Piper and Phoebe. They skitter after her, telling her she can't leave in the middle of a crisis. Yes, Raige can. "I don't live here." She scoops up her purse and flounces out. Oh, damn. I just used the word "flounce," didn't I? The Horror is affecting my thought patterns. In a decidedly negative way. "[Raige]!" Piper screams at her back. "The Charmed Ones come first!" Phoebe mocks that expression. "It always worked when Prue said it," Piper lames. Perhaps, Piper. But Prue was a scary bitch. You're just a whiny one.

The two turn away from the door just as the VCR starts recording. Piper claims it's recording, at any rate, but I'm not familiar with VCRs that record by turning on the television by themselves first. The gals uh-oh for a moment before the Crappy CGI Guy shoots out of the machine. Piper attempts to freeze him, but vanquishes the television set instead. Crappy CGI Guy slithers across the floor to rise up behind the sisters. He tosses Piper across the room, where her rear end subdues a plant stand. Phoebe levitates to boot him in the head. Because he's a bundle of electricity, she merely gets her foot stuck in said head in mid-air. She hoots and hollers and yodels and fries. Piper leaps to her feet to fend off Crappy CGI Guy with a coat stand. She then tosses voodoo of indeterminate nature his way, and he retreats once again into a light socket. Piper assists Phoebe, who has fallen to the floor; then the two remember the frozen Road Kill in the kitchen. By the time they get there, however, he's already sneaked out the back door. "He left?" Phoebe asks as she retrieves a bottle of water from the presumably-inactive refrigerator. "He's just wandering around in chain mail?" "It's San Francisco," Piper reminds her. "Nobody will notice." Phoebe tells her to get real. Piper tells her to scry for the Road Kill if she's so damn concerned about it. If Phoebe can't find him that way, Piper will have the Dolt orb Raige back to the Manor to clean up her own mess, whether Raige wants to come or not. Phoebe finds this proposed strong-arm tactic excessive. They natter a bit about how best to convince Raige to move in with them, then head their separate ways.

Meanwhile, out in the alley, Road Kill attacks a garbage truck with his broadsword. The harassed driver emerges from the cab with a baseball bat to scare him away. Road Kill hacks the bat in half with the sword. There's unfunny banter of the "what is this metallic beast and how do you harness its power" sort that makes me grind my teeth in irritation. Why is it that whenever a yonge Squier with lokkes crulle as they were leyd in presse from a prior century finds himself in our own, he mangles Modern English, rather than the Old or Middle versions? The garbage man, at swordpoint, agrees to drive Road Kill to Raige's current coordinates. Road Kill knows where Raige lurks because he "can feel her heart's pull." He asks if the sanitation worker has any questions, and...

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Charmed

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