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A Night Of CRAP

The next afternoon, General Zod hooks up with Sergeant Handsome, and the two pedebabble through McKinley High's halls for a bit as she gives him his assignment, which is to break up Will and Gwyneth. The instant Sergeant Handsome peels off to comply with Sue's demands, The Pink Dagger materializes at her other side sporting a fuchsia cape and a customized baseball cap bearing his nom de guerre's emblem. "Sandy," Sue opens, "how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all the fire alarms?" The two continue on their way, with Sue explaining that Sandy's to sponsor a new student club she created at some point within the last five minutes to combat Will's just-proposed benefit concert, and with that, we leap forward slightly in time to the very first meeting of...

...The McKinley High Heckling Club. "Hell am I doing in here?" Azimio grumps from his slump in a desk. "Good!" Sue encourages him. "Louder!" The Pink Dagger immediately proceeds to biff his introductory bullet points, so Sue steps in to congratulate those assembled on their acceptance into McKinley's newest extracurricular activity. Aside from Azimio, the club's founding members include Jewfro, who remains silent throughout this scene, and Sue's usual minion, Becky, who expresses her confusion. Alas, the bell rings before Becky can receive any sort of explanation for this ludicrous development, and we shuttle with the camera back out into...

...the hallway, where Single-T Tina's telling Lauren, Mercedes, Gaylord, and Rachel that she intends to perform a song by Lykke Li, whom Tina describes as a cross between Björk and Florence And The Machine, so I already know there's one musical number I'll be fast-forwarding through this evening. For his part, Gaylord intends not to sing, but rather to show off his mad-crazy dance skills, which he claims are all too often overshadowed by his compatriot's vocal calisthenics, and there's another musical number I can fast-forward right past. Do we want to try for three in a row, kiddies? Unfortunately, Mercedes fucks up the sweet momentum we had going, there, by announcing she'll be adapting something by the woefully neglected Aretha Franklin for the benefit. "Neglected?" Lauren quite rightly snorts. "She's, like, The Queen Of Soul." Mercedes offers an explanation for her choice that isn't much of an explanation at all, so we'll leap forward to listen in as Rachel vows to thrill us all with her take on Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." "That's, like, the biggest song of all time!" Tina protests. "You don't understand," Rachel rather predictably condescends. "Celine isn't the neglected artist -- I am." Fortunately, we don't have time to linger on that bit of bullshit because Frankenteen's chosen this moment to lumber into the frame and ask, "You guys remember Sunshine Corazon?"

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