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A Night Of CRAP

Frankenteen and Quinn -- who were appointed benefit co-chairs by the Brainiacs off camera at some point in the last six seconds -- approach Rachel at her locker and ask if she'd like to head up "Talent Relations" for the show, as one of the performers has been especially problematic as of late.

Smear to Mercedes demanding a barrel of green M&Ms, a "team of humidifiers," and a litter of fresh puppies, the latter of which she intends to use as towels after she takes her post-show shower, and I am not making any of that crap up.

Smear back to the present, where Rachel unloads some utterly nonsensical rapid-fire blibbering about True Stars And Their Many, Many Demands before agreeing to wrangle the benefit's talent and passively-aggressively storming off to do just that. NEXT!

Smash-cut to what ended up being Gwyneth Paltrow's only amusing interlude during this entire episode. She's subbing for a world history class, and she stands in front of the students sporting a sleek, chic, burgundy-toned 1940s traveling suit with matching pumps, along with a variety of tasteful yet expensive-looking diamond accessories at her ears, lapel, and wrists. On top of all that, her dark brown wig's done up in a tight, finger-waved chignon, so we can pretty much guess who she's playing at even before she opens her mouth to unleash a tortured Locust Valley Lockjaw while introducing herself as "the world's most famous and stylish divorcée," Wallis Warfield Simpson. "I was married a bunch of times," Gwynnie-As-Wallis reveals while Brit-Brit and Artie take copious notes, "and then I fell in love with Edward The Eighth and made him abdicate the throne!" "I had giant hands," she continues most enthusiastically, if I do say so myself, "so a lot of people thought I was a hermaphrodite, but that wasn't true!" "Others," she confides, "said that I was a Nazi sympathizer, and that was true -- boy, did I think that Hitler showed promise!" Unfortunately, the bell rings before we can hear any more of Gwyneth's delightful lecture -- seriously, I haven't thought about that hermaphrodite rumor in years -- and as the children file out, Gwyneth promises, "Tomorrow, we're going to do Catherine The Great and her pet stallion, Fred, so come early!" And often, I'm sure.

Once the kiddies have left, Sergeant Handsome appears at the classroom door to introduce himself, and Gwyneth thanks him for volunteering his "star" for the upcoming benefit. "I never approved that," Dustin grimaces, but he lets it drop for the moment in favor of commencing with the seduction, and while this whole bit was diverting enough the first time I saw it, none of it really bears repeating now, so let's cut to the chase: Sergeant Handsome offers himself up for Gwyneth's delectation, but Gwyneth politely declines, as she already has a boyfriend -- a boyfriend who arrives just in time to threaten Sergeant Handsome with bodily harm. Dustin promptly exits, though not before urging Gwyneth to consider his proposition, and once they're alone, Will and Gwyneth chat at length regarding their sure-to-be-doomed relationship, and as I totally don't give a shit about that, let's skip ahead to see what happens next, shall we?

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