A Witch’s Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

Powers of the witches rise:
Find the hag who speaks in lies,
Balance chakra, focus chi,
Lead us through the cruel, cruel sea.

Nothing happens for a very long moment. Well, except for the North American continent sliding fifteen entire feet to the west because of that whole continental drift thing as another Rhode-Island-sized slice of the Antarctic Ice Shelf melts away into the South Atlantic. But nothing else. Finally, Phoebe hoots and yodels and snipers to the floor. The camera cuts to take in Phoebe's brand-new mermaid tail as it languidly flops up and down on the carpet, then tracks quickly up her body to stop just below her two best friends, which are now capped with strategically-placed golden scaly pasties. Piper goggles. Raige gasps. Alyssa Milano mugs like an lunatic camera whore hopped up on methamphetamines and crack. Demian gouges out his eyes and vomits. Commercial.

The beach. Raige orbs directly into the surf with Piper and Phoebe. The Feebs collapses into the water and proceeds to baby-talk her way through a series of whinging gripes about their current situation and how it negatively impacts her. Like you expected her to do anything different. Piper and Raige eventually order her to suck it up and determine Hagnes's whereabouts. The Feebs adopts a sullen, put-upon demeanor, pinches her nose, and dives into the waves. To complete the party, the Dolt orbs into the water to announce that he learned Craig's flight has already left for New York. He then wonders why he's standing in water up to his knees. Upon hearing the reason, he drily replies, "Oh. Well. That would explain it." Oh, Dolt. So close to amusing with the funny lines, and yet so very, very far away. A "couple" "hundred" "yards" from the beach, a wee, crappy, CGI Phoebe enthusiastically pops out of the water to urge the others to follow her into the waves. Piper orders her to return to shore immediately. Instantly, but not without appropriate sound effects, wee, crappy, CGI Phoebe turns into huge, scary, blue-screen Phoebe. Get it? She swims much faster now that she's half fish. No, really, do you get it? Because we can all stop right here and wait for you until you're certain you get it. You've got it? Are you sure? Good. Moving on. Huge Scary Blue-Screen Phoebe is totally stoked about the call of the sea that Mylar described all those many scenes ago. Piper rolls her eyes and asks about Hagnes. Phoebe admits that there's a "stench" underwater. The Dolt opines it could be from the sewage treatment plant up the coast, and I resist the urge to blame something much closer and, well, more Phoebe-like for the stank. Piper instructs Phoebe to follow the stench and to summon the Dolt once she's found Hags 'R' Us, Deep-Sea Division. Once Huge Scary Blue-Screen Phoebe has slipped beneath the waves, Raige runs down her checklist and asks Piper for the Hagnes vanquish. Piper, however, has momentarily slipped into a coma -- an impulse I understand completely -- but rouses herself to announce that "everything is under control."

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