A Witch’s Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

How did I ever manage to shoehorn all of that useless exposition into three paragraphs?

The scene cross-fades to a shot of the city skyline before the camera hurtles backwards across the bay. Fathoms down, a peroxided chippie in a black two-piece spandex-and-netting swimsuit stands in a cavern littered with nautical detritus, while a tawdry knockoff of Agnes Moorehead berates said chippie because Agnes Moorehead's tawdry knockoff is having a really bad hair day. I lie. The aged floozy with the bad hair is presently identified as "The Sea Hag" -- also known as The Villain Of The Week, Part One -- and she's not angry simply because of her hair, though God knows she has every right to be. No, it seems that the chippie wants to renege on some sort of agreement these two ladies made a month ago. The chippie, a tawdry knockoff of Natasha Henstridge from Species, who was already a tawdry knockoff to begin with, is named "Mylie," and she's a mermaid. If you've read Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid or seen Disney's The Little Mermaid or heard about the repeated decapitations of "The Little Mermaid" in Copenhagen's harbor or, you know, went to kindergarten, for fuck's sake, you'll already understand why these two women hate each other. You see, Hagnes gave Mylar two legs and thirty days so Mylar could wander the streets of San Francisco in search of true love in the form of a heterosexual man. Silly Mylar. Everyone knows San Francisco is not the place tawdry peroxided Natasha Henstridge knockoffs go to find true love in the form of heterosexual men. What were you thinking?

Mylar claims that she did indeed find the perfect heterosexual gentleman, but he has yet to profess his undying love for her. Hagnes isn't having it. Mylar's thirty-day deadline has arrived with no profession of undying love, so Hagnes is just going to have to kill her. There's only one catch: Mylar alone can agree to relinquish her mermaid immortality, so Mylar must willingly place Hagnes's handy "Auger Shell" against her chest herself. The demonic beastie within the shell will then suck the mermaid immortality from Mylar's breast. I suspect that the people who write these scripts are sniggling, tawdry perverts. Should Mylar refuse the sucking shell, she will "rot for eternity" there in the underwater cavern. Mylar accepts The Shell Of Suck from Hagnes, examines its five-pronged beastie for a moment, then shoves the thing forcefully into Hagnes's stomach. Mylar then spins around and dives into a pool of greenish water that glimmers nearby. She surfaces briefly to vow that she'll "prove" her heterosexual gentleman's affection for her, then upends herself, promo-style, gold-colored rubberized tail and all, to swim away. Hagnes glowers her way into the truncated opening credits, which consist of the series title backed by a glowing triquatra. Heaven help us all.

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