A Witch’s Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

As Mylar, distraught, huddles beneath an awning, silvery rays of cheese break through the storm clouds to land upon Phoebe's terrifying visage on a billboard opposite the plaza. The cheese ricochets off Phoebe's face to fall upon Mylar, who turns and gapes in horror and dismay. I know, honey. Phoebe's looking pretty ape-like in the photo they chose, isn't she? The billboard, incidentally, is tagged, "Ask Phoebe...She Has All The Answers." I don't know where to begin.

THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Take time to appreciate the BLACK HOLE, gang, for it is not long for our world. Oops. Spoiler! Raige enters, soaked to the skin, and while she's clearly strapped her puppies into a bra beneath her lavender blouse, THE NIPPLES once again threaten to poke out my eyes. Raige banters with her boss. Raige gets a promotion. The screen wipes down with annoying sound effects to reveal Phoebe in her own office, congratulating Raige via the telephone. Phoebe's non-Mary-Cherry assistant interrupts to inform her that Nancy O'Dell's people are on the other line, wondering if Phoebe will be needing "hair and makeup" for her interview that afternoon. Nah. Too easy. And I'm proud to reveal that I haven't the slightest idea who the hell Nancy O'Dell is. No -- don't tell me. I don't want to know. No, seriously. No. Seriously. Phoebe instructs her assistant to decline the offer. Moron. Raige wipes into the frame with annoying sound effects for an astoundingly irritating split-screen conversation. This effect drove me to distraction when I covered that episode of Dark Angel for Kim last season, so in the interests of my sanity, I'll be skipping ahead here. Raige playfully teases Phoebe about her newfound fame. Phoebe announces that she's heading to Divorce Court to take care of the Cole situation once and for all. Scene.

Downstairs, the runoff from the downpour puddles in the parking garage as Phoebe crosses to her car from the elevator. Mylar sneaks up behind her, startling the addle-brained P, and introduces herself. "I recognized you from your billboard," Mylar notes. "I recognized you as a Charmed One. You're very famous where I come from." Way to dump kerosene on the raging bonfire of an infernal ego, sweetheart. As Mylar attempts to explain who she is and why she needs Phoebe's help, a passing car splashes a cascade of puddled rainwater over her legs. Mylar shrieks as her legs morph instantly into a tail. For some utterly inexplicable reason, Mylar's cork-soled sandals morph into scales along with her actual body, as does her light-blue sundress. Her breasts are capped with strategically-placed golden scaly pasties. Gimme a T! Gimme an A! Gimme a W! Gimme a D! Gimme a...oh, fuck it. Mylar hoots and yodels and biffs face-forward onto the concrete. While the Feebs busies herself with a little hooting and yodeling of her own, Mylar freaks, for Hagnes can track Mylar's location by her tail. As a Hagnes-heralding wind whips through the underground garage, Phoebe drags Mylar over to the passenger side of her car and dumps her into the front seat, carefully ensuring that Mylar's tail hangs out the window. Phoebe leaps behind the wheel and screeches out of her parking space as Hagnes materializes through one of the many puddles. Phoebe guns the engine and rams right into her. Hagnes dissolves into a spray of water as Phoebe peels out into commercial.

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