A Witch’s Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

Manor. Piper grows increasingly anxious as the local television station whips out its "Storm Watch" graphics and plasters them over stock footage of the last El Niño eruption to pummel Northern California. After receiving confirmation from Mylar that Hagnes can send a tidal wave crashing through the city should she so choose, the Dolt draws Piper off to the side to ensure that she can control herself while he orbs out to consult with the ever-useless Elders. She shakily insists she can, so off he goes, just as Raige returns to the Manor with Craig in tow. Mylar jumps up from the sofa, overjoyed at the sight of her intended, but the joy vanishes as soon as he starts bickering with her about his missed meeting and his canceled flight and whatnot. Piper cuts through the crap, ordering Craig to profess his goddamned love already so she can go back to knitting baby booties and vomiting every ten minutes because of the morning sickness. Craig clearly thinks every female in the house is insane. Mylar finally -- finally -- agrees to reveal to Craig what she's been hiding all along. She hoists a vase from the coffee table, removes the flowers, flops down on the couch, and dumps the water all over her legs. Craig takes one look at the tail and flees.

Mylar frowns down at her scales as the Hagnes-heralding wind whips through the parlor. Hagnes materializes near the hallway, and Piper quickly descends into a near-paralytic state of terror. Hagnes conjures a demonic ball of water in her hand and flings it at Raige's feet as Piper tries unsuccessfully to freeze the intruder. A column of water encases Raige. Well, actually, a crappy CGI effect meant to indicate a column of water encases Raige. We're supposed to believe Raige is drowning, but Rose McGowan is completely dry. Her hair's flying around in the gusts from the wind machine, for Christ's sake. What's the word again, my friends? Yeah, you know it. Shout it loud, people. Just for shits and grins, I'll toss out another quote from The New York Times: "I believe Aaron Spelling has single-handedly lowered SAT scores." Yeah, baby. Revel in the brain rot. Hagnes conjures another water ball and hurls it at Piper, who breaks out of her paralysis in time to toss herself defensively behind the couch. Mylar calls out for Piper as Hagnes advances on her, but Piper remains in her hiding place, hyperventilating until Mylar's screams fade away. Raige emerges from her column of crappy CGI, soaked and choking, to shoot an accusing "What happened to you?" at her sister. Piper pants her way into the commercial break.

We take a moment to watch the storm clouds dissipate in the afternoon sky above the Manor before heading inside for the aftermath. Piper stares bleakly through a sun-porch window while Phoebe wails in disbelief behind her. "She took our innocent? How could you let that happen?" The. Gall. Of this woman. Just where the hell were you during the late altercation, Feebs? Oh, that's right -- nowhere near the Manor, you self-serving, self-involved, self-aggrandizing, hideously-coiffed, malnourished, bony-ass hag. Aauuugh! Piper can't explain herself, and stammers out repeated apologies for her inaction. Raige, who's exchanged her soaked office duds for a white, bias-cut evening gown -- no, really. No. Really -- asks if Piper's research in the Book of Shadows proved fruitful. Piper distractedly mentions something vague about a vanquish. The Dolt steps in, announcing that TPTB told him Hagnes keeps her cavern protected by charms and whatnot, and that the only way to find her is through a mermaid. Phoebe spits something nasty and absolutely uncalled for about the Manor's lack of mermaids at the moment, and Piper finally loses it, sneering the very question I asked of Phoebe five sentences and one guttural exclamation ago. Phoebe, momentarily chastened, mumbles something about having "a demon of [her] own" to deal with. Raige takes control of the rapidly deteriorating situation, sending the Dolt to the airport once more for Craig. Once he's gone, Phoebe apologizes for her tone, and suggests that Piper rest for the good of her percolating infant while Phoebe and Raige head to the attic to abuse the Book of Shadows. Piper sinks wearily into a wicker love seat.

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