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Zero To 60 In Three Days

The lights in the lab flicker before Lex can answer. We hear a whooshing sound. There's an explosion. A lab person is flung through a large window. Lex's labs are not a place you want to work without good health benefits. Sparks fly. Lana and Clark go through the broken window to find Evan 3.0. "Unbelievable," Lex says. It's a skinnier, younger version of Kirk from Gilmore Girls. I can't wait to see Evan's wacky escapades! Young (but not so young anymore) Evan looks at his own hands and asks, "What's wrong with me?" Clark squints. Uh, nothing! Lex tells his staff to take the kid to the Level 3 lab. Clark puts his coat on the shirtless teen and tells Lex that they're not taking him anywhere. Lex wants to run more tests. "I just wanna go home," the kid murmurs, sadly. "He's just a boy!" Lana tells Lex, as if he'd suddenly done something wrong. "You ought not to talk like that, you just a boy," I think, randomly. Clark says they understand that Lex is trying to help and that they appreciate it, but that they're going to take the kid home. Tell that to the lab technician with a plate of glass in his eye. They help Evan up and out of the lab. Lex looks sad and tired. It's not easy helping out everyone in the world with your vast piles of money and still being treated like you're the asshole.

Commercials. I'm seeing a lot of commercials for body spray lately. Am I missing something? Should I be using this stuff? Also, more Star Wars commercials. Perhaps you've heard there's a movie coming out?

Kent Farm. Cows again. Teen Evan, wearing one of Clark's dorky plaid shirts, looks like he's got bad allergies. "I'm dying, aren't I?" he asks Clark and Lana. Yep, they've got the maturity to deal with this question, all right. Lana tells him not to say that. Evan says that the lifespan of a man is seventy-four years (unless you're married to Anna Nicole Smith). He says he's aged from a newborn to a teen in forty-eight hours. So based on're gonna miss Desperate Housewives this week, kid! "Do the math," Evan says glumly. Clark tries to do the math in his head. Shit don't work. So he says they're not going to give up. Clark says that Lex's team is working to find a cure. Lana says that they're trying to find his father. "You really think they're going to find a cure for me overnight?" Evan asks. Evan's only been on Earth for such a short time; where'd he get that shitty teen attitude? ["Watching The WB?" -- Wing Chun] Evan says that his life is like a trick that was played on him. My friend, I think the joke is on us. He says that all the things in the books he read that he thought he was going to see -- he's not. It is a cruel episode, isn't it? Very The Three Wishes of Billy Grier. Clark tells Evan not to talk like that. It's a bummer. Jeez, kid, can't you think of anybody but yourself? The teen says it's unfair. Word 'em up. Then he runs off. Lana complains that they need to do something. Clark tells Lana to go after Evan. He plans to go find Evan's father.

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