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Moby Sick

House is having a good time, anyway, while he smokes a cigar in what I'm sure is a non-smoking area (that area being "the entire hospital") and fingers his stack of poker chips. Why poker chips? Because he's playing in one of those poker tournaments that black tie benefits so often feature. And yes, ladies, he is wearing a tux and he looks very dapper indeed, despite not having shaved for the event. Wilson and Cuddy are also playing, and they too look very nice in their tux and gown, respectively. Cuddy, especially, looks radiant, because she is awesome at everything. Except being a doctor. She's not so hot there. "My stack's bigger than your stack," she tells House as she calls Wilson's bet. No surprise, House prefers to play the mental aspect of poker, and regales the table with a factoid about gorillas, who, it turns out, have proportionally smaller testes than humans do. Ah, but do the really hot female gorillas occasionally have testes hidden in their abdomens? "Then you probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me," Cuddy says, seemingly revealing to the viewing audience that she is, in fact, a transsexual. No one notices the revelation, though, because House's gorilla tale has successfully ruffled Wilson's feathers as it somehow relates to fidelity, something Wilson hasn't had much luck with lately. While Cuddy impatiently prods House to make a freaking decision with his cards, he close-talks at Wilson and then waves his phallic cigar in the guy's face. Because we couldn't afford extras for this scene, we don't get to see the no-doubt furious looks on the faces of the rest of the table, which is a shame, because if Evil Nurse Brenda were there, I'll bet she would have stuck House's cigar up his ass by now.

Finally, House raises, Wilson folds his crappy cards, and Cuddy goes all in as the Only Working Doctor in PPTH mutters in her ear that one of her patients, young Ian, has come to the ER (after an inexplicable five-hour gap between his bloody pants and this nighttime benefit thing) with bloody diarrhea and coordination problems. Cuddy actually knows who Ian is, although that isn't so impressive when you consider the fact that he's probably her only patient, and dismisses the case as gastroenteritis with dehydration. Um, excuse me?! Did she just write off a six year-old with blood pouring out of his ass as a simple stomach infection? Are you kidding me, Cuddy? House isn't so quick to dismiss the case, and asks the doctor if anyone bothered to scan Ian's head for his coordination problems. Cuddy thinks House is just using this to get her out of the game and orders him, while she triumphantly sucks at her drink, to call her or fold. He folds. Cuddy drags her winnings over to her side and brags that she just bluffed House out of the hand. "You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less timing staring at my breasts!" she smirks. "They don't match, either," House simply says, throwing Cuddy into a tailspin of insecurity. She nervously looks down for a quick symmetrical breast-check. House leaves to "get some air," and Wilson commits a serious poker table no-no and looks at House's folded cards: two aces. Looks like he folded for reasons other than his poker game.

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