Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
On the back of the ship, a something hilarious happens. Aquaman dives straight up from the water, his arms up, and hops onto the boat while the lightning flashes and the waves crash behind him in slow motion. It's totally a Michael Jordan moment, but much sillier. "I'm right here!" he yells, shirtless. Siren goes for him and they get into a fistfight. Remember, she's a scaly bitch. It's all right that he punches her in the flat abs. She gets knocked through a door and lands flat on the deck. Why isn't she turning back into her monster form? I guess this is kinda hotter. She bares her pointy teeth and roundhouse kicks Aquaman. Maybe she's a dope fiend. Everybody knows fish are crazy for cocaine. He falls and the siren mounts him, showing her bad teeth and extra eye makeup. "Your mother can't protect you this time!" she says. "What did you do to her?" A.C. asks. She says he'll find out. Ving, back in the cabin, pulls the arrow out of his bloody leg. "You're coming home, Orrin!" Crazy Siren says, back in the rear of the ship (often referred to as the "Aftass" of the ship). A.C. kicks her against a wall just as Ving appears, yelling, "Orrin!" Stand aside, Butch. He throws our hero an arrow and A.C. jams it right the fuck in the siren's head. She goes, "MEOOOOWWW!" as light pours out of her head. "Not today!" A.C. yells. Damn, they got medieval on her ass. She melts into fragments of light like a vampire at dawn. She explodes slightly, leaving only a necklace on a puddle of the deck. The big pool of light in the ocean disappears in one whooshing flash. It's still raining. A.C. stands, holding the necklace. Ving limps over. Wanna help me over here, fishboy? He's pretty fuckin' far from okay. "Well done, Orrin," Ving says, "your father would have been proud." The two of them watch the suddenly calm, suddenly stormless ocean as the camera pulls back along the boat. Tempest Key Hospital, nighttime. Eva, who is miraculously still alive, is lying in a hospital bed. Three hospital patients in one episode? Yeah, I'm suddenly glad I don't have more episodes of this shit to recap. Standing outside the room, A.C. says he's sorry. In the giant Bermuda Triangle file warehouse (this can't all be digitized?), Craggy Chris Isaak opens up a file. It's a pretty hot singer who looks just like Aquachica standing in front of a microphone with a sign behind her that reads, "Farewell 1936 -- Club Havana." Rucy Ricardo! Craggy stares at the photo. Hey, get a room. "How much do you remember, Lt. Torres?" we hear him say, in flashback voiceover.

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