Episode Report Cardadmin: B- | Grade It Now!
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We go to black. "AQUAMAN" title card in crazy sea-crusted ltters. We hear a loud whoosh. They just harpooned Tom Shales! Cut to a twin-engine plane flying over an impossibly green sea. "Bermuda Triangle. 10 Years Ago," a title card reads. A tow-headed buck-toothed boy is staring out the plane window, grinning widely. He sees a group of dolphins diving along together with great porpoise. Aquatot is loving this shit. His mom, at the controls of the plane, smiles. Holy Lou Diamond Phillips! He apparently is some sort of marinero or capitan here as he radios in wearing a smart white military uniform. Coast Guard much? He asks if she's out there. "Flying high and free," Aquamom says. Is it just me or does she remind you of Brenda Strong? Maybe it's just the from-beyond-the-grave voiceover work. She says, "All the hatcheries were undisturbed. Did you miss me?" See, that's totally sex talk, but they have to clean it up in front of the kid. The correct answer from Lou Diamond would be, "The hatchery is about to get fertilized something messy as soon as you get here. Over." LouDi smiles and says he misses her more than he can say on an open frequency. You never know what kind of skeevy pervs are hanging out in the Bermuda Triangle waiting for the Coast Guard to start talking dirty. LouDi asks about Aquamom's new pint-sized research assistant. "He's got something to tell you," she says and hands over the radio to Aquatot, who ambles over happily. He's wearing an orange tank top not unlike the ones my brother would wear when he was a wee muscle-bound tyke. The kid tells LouDi about a sea turtle that was "The coolest thing ever." I used to think sea turtles were the coolest thing ever. Then I hit puberty and moved on to clams. As LouDi grins, the kid says that he held his breath underwater for almost five minutes. Holy crap, kid! You're almost as good as David Blaine! LouDi says that's incredible and that the kid must be part fish. Oh, hey, I got another one. Who's Aquatot's acting tutor? Marlin Brando. Ah ha ha! These fish jokes are a goldmine, I tell you! A damn treasure chest, if you will. Aquamom asks LouDi if he wants to grab a pizza and meet them when they land. But her radio suddenly cuts out and her plane instruments go haywire. She starts to look worried. A seahorse pendant on a necklace she wears starts to glow against her chest. She looks ahead and sees a disturbance in the water; something is glowing and swirling. "Oh, my God," she says. God says, "Sorry, I only work for shows that get past the pilot stage." LouDi, still with that half-smile, asks if his honey's all right because he just lost her. He's going to be losing her a lot more in just a minute. The plane looks to be flying in the direction of a giant sea tornado that magically appeared from the water. "Atlanta?" LouDi tries again. Turbulence in the plane. Aquamom tells Aquatot to buckle up. She tries to evade sea funnels that keep appearing as if put there by lightning flashes. Aquatot gets strapped in.