Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
A hot young thang is putting up a sign that reads, "For Sale -- Inquire at bar" on a boat. She seems entirely too thrilled by the idea of hammering something to a piece of wood. A.C. comes up behind her. She turns and sees him. "Rough night?" she calls. Smiling strangely, A.C. says that the night was fine, but this day keeps sucking more by the minute. Ugh, that must have been an ugly scene at the police station. He asks why she's putting a "For Sale" sign on his boat. Walking toward us, the girl, wearing the skimpiest of bikini tops and short-shorts, says that technically the boat is still hers. She says it's about time she cut her losses. Cut her losses? What is she, eighteen-years-old? Are you saving up for a pony? A.C. apologizes to Boatgirl for blowing off his charter duties that morning. She snarks that it's ironic watching five cardiologists have a heart attack when they find out their dive instructor is in jail. A.C. tries, not very hard, to salvage the conversation by saying it was just a holding cell and that the plan was not to get arrested. Well, that was a shitty plan then, wasn't it? She brings up another incident involving a cruise ship and a bar tab. He says it was a wedding and he got caught up in the moment. A career criminal who drinks to excess and blows off work every morning? Wow, this could be a lot more fun than watching a farmboy mope up in a barn every week. A.C. jokes that the bridesmaids said his toast was incredibly romantic. Smiling way too much, Boatgirl says one of the bridesmaids should have wired him money for the bill. A.C. asks if she's really selling the boat. She complains that they're business partners and that he shouldn't have chosen the night before to go all Greenpeace on her. Looking stricken, A.C. gives her a serious look and tells her the real reason he saved the dolphins: "It's because I felt like they were calling to me." Did it sound like this? "ACK ACK EK EK EK EK ACCK!" BarGirl softens her pretty eyes and asks if her friend can talk to fish now. He reasons that dolphins are mammals and that it was more like a weird empathy. Like what I have for Smallville. I totally understand, big guy. "ACK ACK EK EK EK EK ACCK!" She suggests they call her friend at Dolphin Rescue and set up a legal defense fund. A.C. brightens and thanks her. She tells him to get to work and tosses a dish towel at him. A.C. walks behind the very spangly bar, which has lots of colorful trinkets strung up, and which I hope he wasn't responsible for. Let's hope he was out saving some manatees or something when the décor was being chosen. Just then, Ving Rhames sits his hulking frame down and says, deeply, "I'm getting tired of staring at these bottles." It's enough to take you right out of the show because it's Ving Fucking Rhames! Wearing the world's dingiest sleeveless undershirt and some gnarly neck scars (plus a thick moustache), he is authority personified, and if it were me, I would just start chucking liquor bottles into the sea just so he wouldn't have to look at them a second longer. Command me, Ving!

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