Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 2 USERS: A+
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

After a quick recapping of the whole thing about how people will be voted off one at a time until somebody wins a million dollars, tense and thumping music carries us through Peachy's final "one survivor" speech, and then we hit credits. If you like pirate Halloween costumes and related paraphernalia, you're going to love the credits. We will try, however, not to make pirate jokes in the recap, if you haven't already abandoned ship. Oh, wait -- sorry. No, wait, wait, come back!

Back on the ship, Gilligan and the Skipper are spinning the steering wheel thoughtfully. Big-shouldered men in smart white uniforms pull on thick ropes, while whales thump their tails in appreciation. (Actually, I think their tails are thumping out "C-A-L-L G-R-E-E-N-P-E-A-C-E" in Morse code.) The anchor is dropped, and we see it bullet through the water to the bottom. Peachy gathers the castaways out on deck. "Welcome, guys," he tells them. And then he drops the bomb. "The game is on. We're starting right now." Darrah's gigantic, freakishly white teeth are amazed. Peachy reminds this gobsmacked motley crew that past survivors have been able to take their essential items from their suitcases when they head for camp. In this case, however, that won't be happening. They will be taking nothing except what they're wearing. "Just like if you really were shipwrecked!" he adds. Well...if you were shipwrecked in a play, maybe. Or at camp. "I was like, 'Oh, shit,'" Sandra interviews, managing to sum it up quite succinctly. Peachy has a good tee-hee at Shawn and Andrew for the fact that they're wearing suits, and at Nicole for her dress with the peanut-swallowing top, and he smarmily oozes that he's "hoping [she's] wearing something under that." Shawn tells us in an interview that because he was wearing an Armani suit, he wasn't sure how he would "get by," as if a less expensive suit would have been more functional. After all, suits from JC Penney have those built-in tool kits behind the lapels. Nicole says she was just hoping her dress would stay up without benefit of a bra. Man. That's a curvy girl to be stuck out on an island with no support. Ouch. Double-ouch, really. ["Nah, boobs that big and fake have support built in -- flying buttresses and whatnot." -- Wing Chun] Back on the boat, Peachy also points out Lillian and her Boy Scout leader uniform, which makes her by far the luckiest person on the boat, clothing-wise. ["Also, the weirdest." -- Wing Chun] Peachy does tell the castaways that they can have their sneakers, which he has tied into jaunty bundles. You know, just as the pirates did with their sneakers in olden times. Arrrr! He then says he's confiscating all the personal items they have with them -- watches, wallets, passports, and so forth. He's got a little mesh bag for each person to store stuff in. The highlight is when Osten produces a giant bottle of Canadian Club and what looks like a giant bottle of vodka, and turns them over to Peachy. You know, I have to say that if I could only take two bottles of booze to an island, you'd better believe neither of them would be Canadian Club.

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