Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 2 USERS: A+
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

The time has come to pick tribes. Peachy tells the assembled swashbucklers that their tribe names are based on the names of famous pirates (ugh) Drake and Morgan. If you're tiring of pirates already, you can also think of the tribes as being named after the heroes of those bodice-ripper novels that constitute the only porn you can buy at Wal-Mart. Anyway, first to be assigned to the Drake tribe is Shawn, identified as being in "Advertising Sales." Shawn is young, buff, and unafraid of the feel of product in his hair. First to be assigned to the Morgan tribe is Darrah. She's a mortician, which will be handy for improving the appearance of her pallid, hungry compatriots somewhere around Day 30. She's stuck in a spaghetti-strap dress with very ugly stripes on it. Next up for Drake is Christa who, it is safe to say, is no rocket scientist, given that thanks to The Smoking Gun, we know that she isn't even intelligent enough to make her Usenet drug requests from a free and anonymous email account. She's another one who'll be suffering for a while in a pretty summery dress, but at least hers has little cap sleeves. As the Love Theme from Ahoy, There, Matey continues to whistle merrily, Morgan gets Osten, the "equity trade manager," who's in a nice blue shirt and pants, and has thus done reasonably well in the Luck Of The Clothing Draw Sweepstakes. Peachy admires the haul of loot that Osten turns over to him, and of course, he has to call it "pirate-like," because of those bottles of booze. Next to go to the Drake tribe is Rupert, who has been compared to Hagrid by numerous observers, but whom I think Glark most accurately pegged when he said, "I think Peter Jackson can win Survivor AND an Academy Award this year!" I'm not sure Peter Jackson has a pink-yellow-blue tie-dye tank top, though. ["I am. And I'll bet he wears it when he's using his gigantic, Treebeard-shaped bong." -- Wing Chun] And Rupert most certainly does have such a shirt. He's described as a "troubled teens mentor." In the first interview to reveal Christa's unbelievably annoying voice, she tells us that she immediately figured Rupert was "a big old hippie," but "strong as an ox." So he was two hackneyed clichés, instead of only one, as most reality-show contestants are. Next to go to Morgan is Lillian the scout leader, who is this season's designated woman over the age of thirty-five who's still in possession of her original breasts, and is thus the obvious first candidate for booting. Drake gets Trish, a "sales executive" in a sweater-skirt combo that's not going to be too comfortable in the sand. Next to head to Morgan is Ryan S., whose buzz cut and glasses bring to mind every kid you ever knew who liked to play Risk for seventeen hours at a time. Ryan is a produce clerk, so he may not be able to find food for you, but he is boffo when it comes to telling you whether it's ripe.

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