Britney 2.0

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It's Still Brittany, Bitch

So, long story short, Old Puck tells New Puck to get his act together -- preferably by joining The Glee Club, of course -- and then Old Puck jets back to L.A. to bang "the third runner-up from The Bachelor." Because he's classy like that. Commercials.

McKinley High Gymnasium. The Maharishi steps up to the microphone to call the annual fall assembly to order, though he of course intends to make an announcement first: "I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue." Good to know. And with that out of the way, it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.

Unfortunately, things couldn't be worse backstage, where Brittany's descended into a Cheetos-glazed funk from which she's unlikely to emerge. DUN!

Out front, however, The Maharishi remains oblivious to the unfolding Brit-Brit drama, and he proceeds to introduce the children of New Directions. The curtains part, and...

...DISASTER! This disaster, specifically, though Our Brittany does Other Britney one better by incorporating a big bag of snacks into her listless and badly off-tempo routine. Other Britney would have killed for a big bag of snacks on that stage five years ago. Anyway, things start out bad, then quickly go from bad to worse until New Quinn pops up in the bleachers to shoot an accusatory finger down at the generalized mayhem below while screaming, "They're lip-synching!" The other members of the audience rise as one to hiss and boo, leaving The Glee Clubbers with little choice but to abandon their pathetic excuse of a performance long before it's even halfway over, and Dreamboat Blaine and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen rush to shut the curtains as Our Brittany collapses onto a pile of dead Cheetos.

Smash to the music room, where an irate Mr. Schue peeves, "In the fifty-eight-year history of The McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle!" Really, Will? 'Cause I can think of a few. Mainly involving you, of course, but if I really looked into it, I'm sure I could come up with some others, too. In any event, Mr. Schue claims that "lip-synching is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports" and warns that if The National Show Choir Board Of Review finds out about that afternoon's performance, New Directions could be barred from competing this year. And that's so stupid, I refuse to deal with it until it becomes a major plot point just in time for this year's Sectionals. So, where does that leave us? Oh, yes: When Mr. Schue's blustering has finally run its course, a chastened Brittany announces her resignation from Glee Club, and leaves. The remaining children are fraught with anguish and torment over this depressing turn of events -- with the notable exception of Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, who seems to be getting An Idea.

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