Britney 2.0

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It's Still Brittany, Bitch

Coach Sylvester orders Our Brittany to haul her disappointing ass into Sue's office, pronto. Once there, Coach Sylvester announces, "I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love." Coach Sylvester, you see, has gotten her hot little hands on Becky Jackson's most recent Algebra II test, and the "plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C-plus," despite spelling her name "Bocky" at the top of the answer sheet. Brit-Brit, alas, took the exact same test and somehow managed "to unearth the hitherto undiscovered grade of F-minus." It seems Brittany answered every question with "See Other Side," where she "composed an elaborate crayonscape entitled Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented." Brit-Brit's masterpiece includes a couple of priceless depictions of Santana and St. Gay Of Lima, but all that's really beside the point at the moment, because Coach Sylvester has decided that Brit-Brit's become a terrible role model for The Cheerios. "Last year, I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones," Coach Sylvester admits, "and I allowed your record-breaking GPA to slide," but once the cheerleading squad's collective academic performance plummeted this semester, Coach Sylvester realized she can no longer sit idly by while Brit-Brit blithely leads her fellows down into a howling pit of failing grades and human-squirrel weddings. Therefore, Coach Sylvester is kicking poor little Brit-Brit off the team, effective immediately, while promoting New Quinn to Brittany's former leadership position. "I'm afraid you're gonna have to lose the high pony," Coach Sylvester states, eliciting the following glum-faced response from poor little Brit-Brit: "Tough love feels a lot like mean." Awwwwwwwww. Also: Title card.

Brittany's Boudoir, where we find the dejected lady herself Skyping with her long-distance girlfriend, the latter of whom commiserates over Brit-Brit's abrupt social demotion for a bit before insisting she's got to go, as her practice schedule down in Louisville will continue to be an absolute beast until Homecoming's finally over and done with. Brit-Brit sadly shuts her product-placed laptop and eyes a sympathetic-looking Lord Tubbington, who's lounging on her bed in a sleeveless black-leather motorcycle jacket and a pair of aviators. "I'm not speaking to you," Brit-Brit mopes. "I know you joined a gang." Hee.

Fake Drama School In New York. Drunk Kate Hudson correctly notes that her first-year students must master the tango as part of their "arsenal," and so orders them all to partner up for their first lesson. Unfortunately, the class is short a boy, so one of the ladies will have to sit this one out. Of course, that lady will be the much-abused Rachel, which is fine as far as Drunk Kate Hudson is concerned, because much-abused Rachel lacks "the sex appeal to pull off a credible tango." I'd say the much-abused Rachel actually lacks the height to pull off a credible tango, but what I think about all of this doesn't matter at all, because this scene exists simply to set up Much-Abused Rachel's primary storyline for the evening, so let's hop back over to...

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