Britney 2.0

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It's Still Brittany, Bitch

In any event, once all of that's over and done with, Much-Abused Rachel moans about Drunk Kate Hudson and the shabby treatment she's been receiving at the latter's boozy hands since classes began, placing particular emphasis on Drunk Kate Hudson's latest sex-appeal-related slight. "Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class," St. Gay archly suggests. "And take all of the attention away from the Miss Cassie July?" Rachel snorts. "She'd flip!" "Cassie July is your dance teacher?" St. Gay gay-gasps. "As in the Cassie July," he continues, practically hyperventilating, "a.k.a. 'Crazy July,' a.k.a. 'The Biggest Train Wreck In Broadway History'?" "You don't know her story?" St. Gay all but shrieks, aghast. Much-Abused Rachel looks dumb by way of response, so we smear sideways to...

...a suspiciously cinematic YouTube clip entitled "Bat vs. Cell phone" that quickly expands to engulf the entire television screen as St. Gay breathlessly narrates, "Cassie July was the It girl ten years ago -- she scored the coveted role of temptress Lola in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees!" By this point, they've superimposed St. Gay's intensely gossipy profile over the suspiciously cinematic footage of Drunk Kate Hudson's long-ago performance, and it's a pretty amusing visual, but St. Gay just as quickly disappears so the following might unreel by itself: Drunk Kate Hudson staggers around amid a gaggle of chorus boys for a few bars -- a few bars that most certainly did not originate in the Damn Yankees score -- until some hapless geriatric's cell phone goes off out in the audience. Drunk Kate Hudson promptly calls a halt to the proceedings, insists she will not continue until the hapless geriatric has been forcibly removed from the premises, and snatches up a handy baseball bat to menace the hapless geriatric when the ushers do not respond immediately to her unhinged demands. She scrambles down from the stage, screaming, but alas! Just as things are about to get most awesomely bloody, we smear sideways back to...

...Bushwick, where St. Gay Of Lima advises Much-Abused Rachel to keep fighting like so: "If she wants sexy, give her sexy!" Rachel smiles as we finally slide into this evening's first commercial break.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. New Rachel -- now sporting an absolutely dire headband -- titters her way past New Puck, who's seen obviously putting the moves on Single-T Tina over at the latter's locker. Not-So-Unique saunters on over, sassing something about the Glee gals needing to stick together, or whatever, and proceeds to inquire, "So, boys -- who have you got your eye on?" New Rachel and Her Dire Headband shyly admit that New Puck seems quite tasty, indeed, in a total jailbait sort of way, but Not-So-Unique shuts that one down with a quickness, as New Puck's already littered the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High with the broken hearts of young ladies he's used and abused, and he's only been a student there for two weeks. Boring New Rachel and Her Dire Headband moon something awful about New Puck being an "artist," or some such crap, so Not-So-Unique propels herself into a high-energy cover of "Womanizer" that I quite shamefully find myself enjoying. Like, a lot. Oh, shut up -- it's peppy and fun and chews up at least two full minutes of screentime, during which I get to completely ignore Boring New Rachel and Her Dire Headband. What's not to love?

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