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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold


We're at the house of House, where we discover the sleeping doctor opening his eyes to the sound of some kind of loud oral hygiene habits of the brushing and gargling variety. This is soon followed by a loud clicking sound we don't identify until later (but if you've already watched the whole episode...ew, am I right?), immediately followed up with a loud whirring. House bounds quickly out of bed to gleefully greet the morning, and...oh, no, he doesn't! Not that crotchety House! Good ol' crotchety House. What he actually does is drag the metaphor for all of his sorrow out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, where he discovers Wilson already sharply dressed for the day and in the middle of his morning coif maintenance. He's blow-drying his hair. Which leads House to a question: "You blow-dry your hair?" Wilson turns around and apologizes to House for waking him up, inspiring House to shout in an even more incredulous fashion, "You blow-dry your hair?" Wilson doesn't just blow-dry it. He blows it dry with one of those combination dryer/brush contraptions that's always filled with hair and doesn't actually seem to produce any blowing air for the alleged purpose of drying. And while I haven't seen the business end of a hair dryer for probably ten years now, I did grow up 1) gay and 2) on Long Island, the official language of which is "big hair" and 3) during a time in our nation's history when "fashion icon" equaled "Gunnar Nelson," so I am well-versed in hair dryer culture. And believe me when I say it: Wilson, drop the brush/dryer combo, which is equally inefficient at both tasks, and go for one of those giant diffuser attachments which will make you look like your favorite member of a-ha in no time. We both know that's what you secretly want anyway.

House and Wilson banter Odd Couple: The Next Generation-ily about how House wants sleep and Wilson wants fashion, and Wilson plot-develops that it was time for House to get up anyway, seeing as it is "almost nine o'clock." House pops some morning pills -- part of this complete crotchety breakfast -- and informs Wilson, "This isn't gonna work." What isn't? "You. Staying here." Wilson's eyes go puppy-dog-on-a- calendar-filled-with- adorable-puppy-dogs big and he asks, genuinely hurt, "You're kicking me out? After one night?" House asks if he thinks they should try counseling first (heh), segueing the discussion to why Wilson even wants to sleep on a couch anyway, noting, "You've got money. At least until the divorce is finalized." It's because Wilson! And really, isn't that what we all want, House? Let's wait until the episode's final shot to find out. Wilson promises to be "out of [House's] hair by tomorrow." His hair? The part of Wilson House was just making fun of? Seems like Wilson needs some sort of zinger to button things up here: "What's left of it." Theeeeeeere it is.

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