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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

Who needs a name when you have that house? Foreman stands with Mrs. Bob The Not Raped in her kitchen, taking a water sample from the faucet. She asks why she wouldn't be sick also if the water were contaminated, and Foreman tells her and us that people metabolize toxins at different rates. He asks if there have been any recent renovations (there haven't), and if the Bobs have had any problems with bugs (just the occasional ant). He asks if they use bug spray, and Mrs. Bob reports that she hates the smell, following up that she and her husband are both pretty obsessive about keeping things clean. Except for that pesky glass-filled floor up the steps that no one seems that concerned about cleaning up. Foreman rubs a finger along a squeaky surface and agrees, "Yeah, I can tell." Yeah! Dirt rules! What is it with everyone in this episode marching into other people's houses and critiquing how they're run? Be as clean as you want. TiVo all the Oprah and American Idol you want. Or, wait. That's actually my TiVo. Foreman looks at a framed photo of the happy couple on a side table just as a large ant crawls over it. This seems important. How odd how much it eventually so isn't.

Back in his office, House shovels pancakes into his mouth while asking the rest of the team, "You think ants are the problem?" Cameron asks him to stop stuffing his face with pancakes for one second, and he corrects her that what he's eating are not pancakes at all, but "macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them and they're amazing." House loves the pancakes. He makes a fundamentalist terrorist-themed joke about how if he blows himself up in a crowded restaurant, he'd prefer pancakes to the oft-promised virgins in the afterlife. Truth be told, I would take the pancakes, too. At least pancakes don't bleed the first time you eat them.

(I'm fired. So very, very amazingly fired.) ["I think I'm too shocked to fire you. Who knew you could work so blue!" -- Wing Chun]

House asks about the exact specs of the ant, wondering if it was "big and red or small and black." Foreman expertly creases his brow and notes that it was "medium and brown." House also courts firing by pressing, "Halle Berry brown or Beyoncé brown?" When no one can figure out exactly what that means and go about wondering why it would even be important, House has knowledge at the ready that army ants could eat a cow but that Australian bull ants are "more of a nuisance than a threat. No surprise there." Was that a dig against ants of Australians? Foreman caves and offers an answer of "Beyoncé," which automatically discounts the long-discussed ants as a cause in all this drama. Chase follows up that the pricey resort The Bobs stayed at didn't use clay pots, and Cameron reports that the tox screen was negative. House wants to run all of the tests again, but Foreman insists, "It's not heavy metals." House says it is. The tests say it's not. Chase won't let go of food allergies. Cameron insists, "His diet hasn't changed since he was a kid. His favorite food is corn flakes." House says they should start treating Bob for lead poisoning, but that they can also test him for all sorts of exciting allergies.

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