Cut to the school's library, where Santana's dragged Lady Lips for that little chat she promised him earlier. "This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun," Sam opens, deploying a series of especially low tones. Neither Santana nor I have any idea what the hell he's talking about, so Lady Lips explains, "That's my James Earl Jones impression." "First of all," Santana chides, "that is offensive! He shot Martin Luther King!" Dimwit that he is, Sam fails to register Santana's extreme displeasure and continues with his incomprehensible James Earl Jones impression for a few moments until Santana snaps, "Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase." And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where Santana Lopez blew my frigging mind.
"Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off," she begins, "you still somehow manage to be cute, but make no mistake: Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork, which is where I come in." Lady Lips has been rendered speechless, so Santana continues, "I hereby offer my services as a mistress -- I wantz on them froggy lips, and I wantz on them now!" "But I'm dating Quinn!" the hapless Lady Lips splutters. "And this just in?" Santana retorts. "She cheated on you!" "No, she didn't," Dimwit Sam dimly insists. "Look," Santana interjects, cutting his weak little mewl of protest off at its wee tiny kitty-cat knees, "I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart she's lying. That gumball story was insane!" "You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her," she wisely understands, "but consider my offer: Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you also get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans -- and not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school!"
I'm in love.
"Think about it," the fabulous Santana Lopez shrugs, unfortunately drawing to a close this fabulous episode's most fabulous scene as she rises to exit, leaving mopey little Lady Lips alone to pout and brood his way into this evening's final commercial break.
And as nothing that follows this evening can ever hope to surpass the fabulousness we've just been so privileged to witness, we'll be getting through the remainder of tonight's episode as quickly as possible. So: Sue shows up in Will's office to insist -- correctly, I should note -- that no one would ever mistake any of the songs offered thus far for an anthem, and insists she be allowed to perform a number of her choosing with the entire ensemble. "What's your song?" Will grins.