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Ice to See You

A restaurant/coffeehouse/movie palace-looking place called The Talon, at midday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the coffee hangout was called "The Beanery" (remember all those fart jokes?). Did they change it up on us? "The Talon"? Honestly. Gross. Lana Lang is sitting her pretty self on a chair, looking at a brochure, when Lex -- who is everywhere at that moment -- compliments the exhibit (art, we presume) contained within. He says he saw it in St. Petersburg. With Floyd. Okay, fine, I made up the Floyd part. Lana says she and Jocko Whitney are going to Metropolis to see the exhibit. "Trying to give the quarterback some culture?" Lex says, quite charming/snidely. As Lana sits, Lex stands during this exchange, totally utilizing the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Lana says that the exhibit was Jocko's idea, and Lex has a witty retort. He says Jocko figures one afternoon at the museum will make up for six months of not going to the museum. Instead of getting up and kicking the shit out of Baldy McBigmouth, Lana just says that for someone who doesn't like to be judged by others, Lex sure is good at it. Lex says, "What can I say? I just think you're with the wrong guy." All right. Seriously? Best. Friend. Ever. Clark doesn't even know how good he has it. Just then, Jocko walks up from behind as Lex makes himself scarce (or as scarce as you can make yourself when your bald pate makes you stand out amid all that WB hair).

Jocko gives Lana a chaste kiss on the cheek, and when she reminds him about the exhibit, he totally blanks out and then remembers he's supposed to watch a fight with his friends on Pay Per View the next day. "And you already gave them your money," Lana says. He did. A fight costs like $40 tops on PPV. How much could he possibly have given them if all of his buddies will be there? He's probably spent more on the pizza than he has on the fight. As excuses go, this one ranks somewhere below "My dog did my homework, but I ate it." Lana looks disappointed. Jocko says they'll go the next weekend. "Culture can wait," Lana says in her strange, whispery, amazingly positive tone of voice. I would pay Pay Per View money right now to see Lana show a hint of anger. After Jocko leaves, Lana looks over to Lex and he gives her a wan "I told your ass so" smile. Then he leaves.

Outside The Talon, or whatever it's called, Clark is walking by; through the blinds, he notices Lana inside, sitting by herself reading a book. He doesn't even use his superpowers for this. He just makes a habit of looking into restaurant windows when he's doing his routine Lana-stalking rounds. Lex comes up out of nowhere, because this whole episode is about him sneaking up on people, and tells Clark that Lana is free the next night, and that Rosycheeks should ask her out. When Rosycheeks sees Lex, he smiles a little, and I swear his eyes glance down, presumably at Lex's Little Bald Head. I swear I'm not looking for this stuff on purpose. "She's got a boyfriend," Rosycheeks says. "A high-school boyfriend isn't a husband. He's an obstacle," Lex says. That should be taped on the inside of every high-school bad boy's locker. Lex tells Rosycheeks that he should ask Lana to go with him to the Radiohead concert in Metropolis the next night. And, because he's a game-show host now, Lex tells him that if she says yes, he'll throw in the concert tickets. Now, I don't know if you know what it's like getting Radiohead tickets, but let's just say that Lex is definitely pushing my buttons right now. Rosycheeks asks why Lex is doing all this. Besides luuuuuv. "You're like the younger brother I never had," Lex says. Oh man, Lex is from the Roman Incestual time period! Lex says that the hardest thing in the world is telling the girl you love that you like her. How much harder is it to tell a boy? Lex says he'll throw in a round-trip limo ride if Rosycheeks asks Lana within sixty seconds. Clark! Go for the box! Door #2! Don't overbid on the dinette set! No whammys, no whammys! Clark snags the tickets and goes. Lex spins and looks after Clark with a hungry "That's my stallion!" look that incidentally is the Gayest Look of the Episode. He holds up his watch for effect, and to time his handiwork.

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