Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Constant Craving

A blender. The nastiest-looking kryptonite shake (and I've seen plenty) is blending away in Cellulita's kitchen. How the hell do you make a smoothie out of rocks? Her dad looks on disapprovingly. "Starving yourself isn't the way," he says. Self-loathing is the way. At least she put a banana in the blender. That makes it a little better. Cellulita says she's tired of counting calories and watching her meals and inflating her neck every day. "You can't just stop eating," Dad says. "It's not healthy." She pours her nasty-ass shake into a glass. "You're already beautiful," he says. Best Smallville dad ever. "Just like your mother." Cellulita busts right through that: She says that she isn't, because Mom wasn't fat. That scene was an indigestion-inducing piece of spoiled mango.

Cellulita goes to the bathroom and -- NO! Not Dido! Dido is playing. Oh, man, this girl needs help. As the music plays and the producers of Roswell get even madder, she steps on a scale after checking herself out in the mirror. The digital scale goes to 168. Then suddenly, she feels a sharp pain and her stomach gurgles. Is it the Dido? She lifts her shirt to reveal a belly that is not fat. That neck must be lonely, because the rest of her body is fine. Her belly groans some more, in tune with the music, and when she gets off the scale, she looks in the mirror and sees that her neck prosthetic is gone. She pats her face and her body, then gets back on the scale. It starts back up at 168, then starts going down quickly, finally settling at 139. Cellulita looks into one of those magnifying mirrors and gazes at herself in wonder. "Don't slide," Dido sings, "Don't sliiiiiiide." Yeah, don't slide on that fake neck lying on the floor. This scene was pure turkey stuffing.

Opening credits, commercials. If liking Victoria's Secret ads is wrong…well…I'm a wrong, wrong man.

Stately Luthor Manor. Sexy Lex is hiking it on a treadmill when a guy in a suit stops him, saying that his heart could go on forever, it seems. Yes, Lex's heart could go on forever. As long as Clark is around. The doctor in the suit tells Lex that he seems healthy enough, except for one thing: An elevated white cell count. "Like leukemia?" Lex asks. Not likely. He never gets sick. He's asked if he has allergies. Nope. He's only had asthma, and that went away the day he lost his hair in the meteor shower. Lex sits down in his office chair and starts sucking on one of his blu botols of fancy water. We see two other bottles sitting on the desk, spent. The doctor says that ordinarily, he'd order a bunch of tests, but that this is common in Smallville. Lex asks why, and is told it might because of pollution from the Luthors' fertilizer plant. Lex says that's not likely. "Let's order those tests," Lex says, and walks swiftly out of the room. What else could this scene taste like but pure beefsteak?

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