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Down With Robot Clark

Opening credits. They are, of course, different. Same song, same meteor strike, but different cast shots. "Clark + Lana" gets a disproportionate amount of screen time (though not, to be fair, disproportionate given the number of times it's been crammed down our throat over three seasons); Jocko Whitney Lite has joined the cast as some sort of coach or something and Lana's new boyfriend. Good luck with that gig, friend. Papa Luthor has a Sports Illustrated Supermodel look going as the Daily Planet globe spins behind him. MamaKent blinks. Bo Duke smiles, and it's not as gassy this season. Clark has a gay rainbow flowing through him from a cave wall. (I'm not kidding. Go look at that part again for yourself.) Lana is still flying from a fireball. Lex runs through some ducts. And we get our first intra-episode spoiler with Clark flying before we see it in the actual episode. Thanks a lot, WB.

Commercials. Jimmy Fallon is starring in an upcoming film that looks like the worst movie you or I may ever see. Why am I so not surprised after thinking he was the worst thing on Saturday Night Live his entire time there, except on Weekend Update, when the damage he did was most contained?

We come back to the show's "filling time" ominous music as darkness is broken by some light, suddenly appearing from a circular hole. Oh my God, it's Nasty Nell, and the years have not been kind! Oh, wait, it actually is some old dude staring down a burrowed hole that looks like it was made of carwash sponges. Peek-a-booooo! "Piss Milya!" the old man says in a language that's not likely English. "Ananagay!" he announces. I concur. He motions to some other dudes in robes, and we see that we're in Egypt or Saudi Arabia or some other place with yellowed ruins and columns that are carefully placed at a diagonal against a facing wall by set designers. Everybody comes over and starts sticking their dirty hands in this one hole and I'm uncomfortably reminded of a video I once saw in college. The least careful archaeologists ever somehow manage to pull out an item without breaking it. It looks like a fourteen-inch tall Pharaoh doll you'd get at the airport in Dubai. Apparently, knick-knacks are huge in this country, because the old man holds it up and everybody starts chanting and smiling. Someone put a tiny Hannibal Lecter mask on the pharaoh's face. "Love yer suit," the pharaoh says, and he's talking about Lex Luthor's smokin' white suit, as the sexy bald man runs up a corridor with a trusty manservant. Lex is sweaty. More knick-knack celebrating. The old man kneels and presents the thing to Lex. In another language, he tells Lex, "It's duty-free!" Lex holds the thing in wonder. It's no cut Clark schlong, but he did come an awful long way to find this toy. Lex rotates the figure in his hands. The back holds a flat piece of stone that has what look like Kryptonian symbols marked in columns down the rear. Lex rubs some dust off. We get a close-up of the symbols. One of them is the Superman crest with an "8" in it like the one that got burned into Clark's chest a while back. Lex stiffens.

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