Damned If You Do

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lord, Have Mercy!

Outside, Foreman grouses that House screwed up. Cameron defends him, and Chase takes the utilitarian position of hoping that House is right, because that will put him in a good mood, making their lives easier. Even Foreman sees the wisdom in that, and scene.

Elsewhere, House grouses to Wilson that if Cuddy thinks he made a mistake, the least she could do is suspend him from clinic duty. Heh, nice try, House. They enter the clinic, and House says that although he doesn't lack confidence, he does recognize that he's human and capable of error. Wilson asks if that means he might have screwed up with the epinephrine, and House says no. Wilson: "So it's merely a theoretical capacity for error." House: "Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error." Heh. House limps off to his next victim -- er, "patient"...

...who's dressed in a Santa suit. House looks like he'd rather have the nuns back, and given that he's able to diagnose the guy with inflammatory bowel merely by sniffing the air, I certainly don't blame him. The guy nervously asks if it's that bad. House says yes, but that it's also written on the guy's chart. Bloody Bowels is played by Dakin Matthews, who's a total H!ITG! whom I saw most recently as the prissy dean on Jack and Bobby. (Or maybe not -- like anyone's going to be able to fact-check that.) ["He was also Headmaster Charleston on Gilmore Girls." -- Wing Chun] House reads off Bloody Bowels's symptoms and treatment history, letting us know that he's tried a lot of shit, so to speak, and nothing's worked. He also snarks that he's impressed by how well his last doctor charted. Heh. Bloody Bowels says it's bad enough to have to go to the bathroom every hour, "but when the kids sit on my lap..." Excuse me while I go call my mother and thank her for never taking me to a mall during Christmas season when I was a kid. Bloody Bowels says that the store is going to fire him if he doesn't, er, clean up his act, and House hands him a prescription. Bloody Bowels reads it as, "Cogariess?" House corrects him: "Cigarettes. One twice a day, no more, no less." He adds that studies have shown that cigarette smoking is one of the most effective ways to control inflammatory bowel, "plus it's been well-established that you look 30% cooler." Bloody Bowels incredulously asks if House is kidding. House: "About the looking cooler, yeah." That's too bad, because a guy who spends most of his time in a Santa suit probably could use all the social help he can get. Bloody Bowels asks if smoking isn't addictive and dangerous. House glibly says that's true of all the drugs he prescribes: "The difference with this one is it's completely legal." Incidentally, while it does seem that nicotine is an effective treatment for ulcerative colitis, I'm not clear that you have to actually smoke for the nicotine to be effective. So perhaps Cuddy having her lawyers on speed-dial isn't the worst move after all. House wishes Bloody Bowels a merry, smoky Christmas.

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