24

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Play Nice

1:52:32. In the White House Map Room with the Veep, Tom gets off the phone with a General who has just told him that "the Russian Army is moving large numbers of troops into the Central Asian theater." Worse yet, they'll be in striking distance of the U.S. military base there within the hour. Really? I don't see why the Russians are so worried about a little chip if they can move people around that quickly. If the Chinese decide to attack, everyone in Russia can just dodge. Lisa bustles in guiltily, saying she came as quickly as she could. Tom and the Veep just stare at her coldly until the Veep dismisses Tom, who leaves with a "boy are you in trouble" glance at Lisa. Lisa asks why the Veep just sent Tom to talk to the Joint Chiefs, and the Veep answers that the Russians have someone inside the White House who told them that the Chinese have the circuit board. The Veep then asks whether Lisa knows Mark Bishop. "Certainly not in the biblical sense!" Lisa doesn't sputter in a panic. She's all, "He's a lobbyist, right?" The Veep says that Bishop just called a known Russian agent from his cell phone. To prove it, the Veep plays back a recording of Lisa's boyfriend saying, "It's me. What's my next move?" This time we hear the handler's answer: "It's imperative you reach out to her over the next few hours. Find out of there are any new developments." I'd be like, "Fuck you, tovarisch. It's 5 in the morning and I'm going to bed. Develop that." Lisa seems to age ten years before our eyes as she hears her boyfriend offering to call Lisa and access her PDA again.

The Veep stops the recording and asks Lisa how well she really knows Bishop. Lisa tries to keep up the act, calling Bishop an "acquaintance." But not a naked acquaintance or anything. The Veep calls her on it, saying that she's gotten them all into a heap of trouble with the Russians over the component. "I always knew you were a good liar," he whines. "I just didn't think you could lie to me." Lisa says that she didn't know. "It's still treason!" the Veep accuses. Which, as they both know, is a capital offense. Between this and the perjury earlier, Lisa's like a one-woman crime wave. "You didn't just betray me, you betrayed your country," the Veep accuses. Lisa almost breaks down, and then pulls herself together and asks what the Veep wants. The Veep tells Lisa to go back to her boyfriend and convince him that they have the component back. I'd be like, "Is that all? Done!" But Lisa starts to protest, for some reason, because she's an idiot. (I remind you: cheating on her boss, the acting President of the United States.) The Veep slaps her down, telling her to do exactly as Tom tells her: "And don't even think about trying to expose our...relationship. If you go there, I'll have you declared an enemy combatant. Put you in solitary. It'll be years before you speak to anyone about anything." There, you see? And y'all were so worried about the Patriot Act being used for political purposes. The Veep leaves Lisa alone in the room, not even looking back when she calls him by his first name. Instead, a couple of Secret Service guys join her and close the door behind themselves. Out in the hallway, the Veep meets up with Tom, who asks if he's all right. "I'm better now," the Veep rumbles. He's in a surprisingly good mood for someone who doesn't know where his next blowjob is coming from.

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