Dead Man Talking

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
Do you shiv or swallow?

This segment of the show has been brought to you by Tim Kirk and the Gideons, who would like to remind you that only you can prevent CGI Bible fires. Fade to black.

We fade back up on Leo and Betty Buckley, discussing her plans for putting on a play there in Oz. "I'd like to do more with the inmates than just singing and dancing," she says, which is a sentiment Jia Kenmin would no doubt agree with. Betty suggests doing Macbeth, and I'm frankly shocked that the AOL Time Warner execs didn't mandate that they attempt to show up rival studio Miramax by staging an in-house production of Chicago. If nothing else, at least Oz is our last remaining free bastion against the encroachment of the evil product placement. I haven't seen so much as a single can of Coke since the show started.

Leo reluctantly consents, and we next see McManus exhorting the Em City inmates to participate in the play. He manages to sign Alvarez up to be a stage manager, and then we cut to the auditions, where Poet is mangling a passage featuring the three witches. To me, Poet will always be the anti-Hill. I used to love his poems in the first season, but I always hated him as an actual inmate. I'm glad to see some things never change. Ryan and Father Meehan wander into the auditions, and Betty pleads with her son to play the part of Macbeth. He refuses, prompting Alvarez to deliver the line of the night: "What, you got no balls, O'Whitey?" Heh. Father Meehan interjects that he once played Macbeth at the C.Y.O., and then launches into a horribly over-acted rendition of Macbeth's speech to the witches. Not only does he forget a few lines, but he also manages to out-Shatner even Shatner himself with the inappropriately timed dramatic…pauses. It's actually pretty funny. Everyone just stares at him in bemused disgust, with Alvarez's "who farted?" expression clearly the best of the bunch.

Later that night, Ryan and Meehan prepare for bed, with the elder once again trying to convert the younger. "It would give me profound joy if someday you joined me in prayer," sighs Salty Evangelista. "Yeah well, it would give me profound joy to fuck an eighteen-year-old virgin," replies Ryan. Heh. Father Meehan casts his eyes towards heaven and mutters "ooh, naughty" before climbing into bed. Hee! I normally hate Father Meehan, but he's really starting to grow on me here. I sure hope everything comes out okay for this guy.

It's lights-out on death row as well, but Keller is roused from his bed by the sound of Jericho pontificating in his cell about how Cyril is the center of the known universe. I still don't know what to make of this whole sock-puppet/split-personality thing Cyril has going, but I do know that the sight of a tube sock with two glued-on buttons for eyes asking Keller, "What the fuck are you looking at?" is the funniest thing you'll ever see on death row. With the possible exception of Tom Hanks, that is.

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