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Happy Days Are Here Again

ANY-way, Kurt chases after Sam to propose they team up for the duets competition. Heterocentric Sam states he was under the impression that duets had to be coed, which leads Kurt to respond that "Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest" that particular notion, right before Kurt stupidly misidentifies "Make 'Em Laugh" as one of Kelly and O'Connor's duets in that particular movie, and shut up, Kurt, before we take your card away from you. Heterocentric Sam hasn't the faintest idea what Kurt's going on about, so Kurt just assures him they've got it in the bag, and darts off after ordering Sam to give him a call to set up some rehearsal time. If you know what Kurt means, and I think you do. As he exits, Kurt sweeps past Finn, who shoots a couple of suspicious side-eyes at both Kurt and Weenie Von Bieberhausen before vanishing out the side of the frame himself.

Brittany's Boudoir. The camera tracks past a number of framed photographs featuring the lady of the boudoir herself in younger days, then starts climbing up two pairs of lady-legs entwined on the bed, and I've a feeling that if Jewfro's disgusting antics two weeks ago didn't get my parents to switch this show off forever, the sight of Brittany and Santana getting their mack on probably will. In any event, while Santana busies herself planting "sweet lady kisses" on Brittany's neck, Brit-Brit suggests they perform Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window" for the duets competition. The implications of that slowly sink into Santana's skull, and she then abruptly pulls away to perch on the edge of Brittany's bed, all haughty and offended and such. "I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady-babies," Santana insists. "I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about twelve hours now, and I'm like a lizard: I need something warm beneath me, or I can't digest my food." Brittany, with a wave of sudden melancholy crashing over her dim little head, quietly wonders who Santana intends to sing with, then.

Cut to the school's hallway the following morning. "Why would I want to do a duet with you?" Mercedes rhetorically wonders before more or less answering her own question with, "We can't stand each other." "Look, Weezy," Santana impatiently eye-rolls as the two arrive at Mercedes's locker, "I realize I tried to punch you a couple of times, and sometimes when you're not looking, I put weird things in your food, but it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school!" Mercedes doesn't understand what the big deal is. "It's just a free trip to BreadstiX," she too-casually notes, making a blatant display of futzing about with her locker's far more interesting interior. Santana's brain nearly explodes. "I'm sorry," she begins, addressing Mercedes as if the latter were a particularly thick-headed two-year-old, "but have you been to BreadstiX? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks! One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up? I called the corporate office and got her fired." God love her. Mercedes's resolve, unable to withstand the sustained onslaught of Santana's impeccable reasoning skills, cracks a bit at this, then collapses completely when Santana finishes things up by arguing, "If we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school!" With that, Santana sashays away while Mercedes allows herself a small smile. I see no way for this collaboration to do anything but rock.

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