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Happy Days Are Here Again

She goes on to compliment Finn on his kindness and openness, and if you haven't figured out by now that this is all merely a ploy of hers to get him to do something unpleasant for her, you haven't been watching this show for more than a couple of minutes. And long story short, Rachel tells Finn that they have to throw the competition for the sake of New Directions as a whole. "If we want to win Nationals," she asserts, "then Sam has to win this contest, okay? He has to feel like he belongs, and the team has to believe in him!" "Wow," Finn replies after a beat, impressed by Rachel's unexpected munificence. "I've never seen you like this." "You inspired me!" she simpers, leaning in to grant him a peck on the lips. And then Finn thinks real hard for a minute and comes up with this dandy little revelation: "But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice." Rachel chooses to ignore this and instead urges Finn to focus on the goal: Helping her lose a singing competition so the new kid sticks around. Commercials.

And when we return, we're immediately slung into a series of quick cross-cuts between Single-T Tina and Gaylord Wiener bickering up in the library and Brittany attempting to seduce Artie down by his locker. Basically, Gaylord knows he can't sing and therefore just wants to dance around Tina while she performs a solo, but Tina's having none of that, because she wants to win the BreadstiX gift certificate so they can go out on an actual date that doesn't include dragging his mother along to a dim sum restaurant so Mama Gaylord can chow down on steamed pork knuckles and chicken-foot salad while keeping an eye on her golden boy of a son and his inappropriately attired girlfriend. Meanwhile, Brittany's apparently decided the only way she'll snag that BreadstiX gift certificate for herself is by posing as Artie's main squeeze, and to that end, she claims she's always wanted to get him into a stroller. No, seriously. Artie's way into the idea, for whatever dark and depraved reason, and he immediately starts in with his typically ugly gloating as Brittany wheels him past an incredulous Santana Lopez. Behind Artie's back, Brit-Brit points at her bit-bits and wags a no-no finger around in Santana's face. Santana looks annoyed. Or guilty. Or possibly both.

Over in the boys' locker room, Weenie Von Bieberhausen emerges from the showers clad in nothing more than a towel -- yowza -- to chat with Finn about the proposed duet with Kurt, which Finn still vehemently opposes on the grounds it will doom Sam to the subbasement of McKinley's social hierarchy, because of the whole gay thing. "I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes," Sam coolly notes, donning a t-shirt that features a whopping big bull's eye across the chest for reasons that will soon become apparent. "Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes," Finn claims, "but everyone else does, and we're living in their world, and in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence." So's sporting that cowl-neck sweater you're currently modeling, Frankenteen, but that didn't stop you from pulling it on this morning, now did it? "I gave him my word," Sam calmly explains, "and in my world, that's that." And having finished dressing at some point during the conversation, Sam slams shut his locker and...

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