Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | Grade It Now!
Roam whispers "we gotta go," and then he whispers it again, standing up and making a situation that was already pretty unsexy much, much worse. Sydney from Melrose takes this non sequitur moment to turn the conversation completely back toward work matters, announcing in her most All Business voice, "You need to get the mayor alone, Tom, if you want to get reelected as District Attorney. He's always liked you -- considered you one of his protégés. Remember you have that news conference outside Goldman's club tomorrow." Whoa! The Infotronic2000 is out of control! More input, Sydney from Melrose! More input! I guess she's just glad that this is the first time since she's been in that hotel room that the only thing her mouth has been crammed full of is "exposition." (Whatever. It's a show about sex. I can say whatever I want.) Roam sits at the end of the bed buttoning his shirt (location of pants still a matter of conjecture) and knocking down some of the tiny little "Dry Brush Ahead/ Only You Can Help Prevent Forest Fires" signs placed at strategic sections of his upper body by concerned forestry volunteers who stand guard at the observation deck of Chest Hair National Park. Sydney from Melrose wraps her arms around him and says, "I think I'm falling in love with you." As any good politician must, Roam stays earnestly on message: "I gotta go home." But Sydney from Melrose must have little Other-Women-On-TV experience, for whom it must always end badly as punishment for their trampy, trampy ways. She plows on, explaining that Roam will win his second term and then run for governor, and then the two of them can run off to Sacramento and get married. Oh, Sydney from Melrose. Can't you see it's not to be between you? Roam shakes off the woman who loves him to go home to the woman who feels kind of "meh" about him, slow-mo-ing into the kitchen to find Adam and Mama Roam, cooking dinner and having the time of their lives. Roam sticks in the shadows looking awfully conflicted, all the while highlighting what is the far greater, Gift-Of-The-Magi-like irony of this entire sequence: Adam wished for different parents. And turned his father into a bear. Jew-liet whispers "Let's stay here forever" at the kickoff to these evocative opening credits. One week at a time, sister. I know "Let's make it through sweeps, Jerry" doesn't ring with as much idealistic romance, but let's not go getting ahead of ourselves. Jew-liet spends an inordinate amount of time in bed, but she seems to be so mysteriously alone at it, lo these last few weeks. Her Picture Phone Of The Future rings, and she picks it up: "Hey you, I was just dreaming about you." Adam asks if he woke her up, and she leaps out of bed when she discovers that she is "way beyond late." Adam laughs quietly at his lady love's foibles, but when he goes downstairs and discovers that he's wished his parents into a seasoning cube and a pack of frozen bacon, someone else besides him is going to get the last laugh after all. She rushes around the room grabbing her clothes and freaking, not even taking the time to deal with Adam's request of when he can see her next. Jew-liet doesn't know. She has a first-period history quiz. She still hasn't taken a shower. She's just a Smart, Average Kid after all who studies for her first-period history quiz. Has she never been to high school? Doesn't she know all of the answers are either "Hitler" or "Newfoundland"? Oh, wait, my bad. I was actually thinking of a pop quiz called "Trivial Pursuit." She barks into the phone, "CallmeatlunchIloveyoubye" and runs out of the room like hell. Anyway, Jewel, best of luck on that quiz.

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