Everwood
Fear Itself

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Crazy On A Ship Of Fools

Cabin. Irv walks in with a million fish on his line, and Treat shows Ephram his tiny little minnow. Aw, Treat. No good at the good life. Ephram offers Treat a deal: He says he's been thinking, and instead of going to New York for one week, if he can pull his average up to a B, he gets to stay for the whole summer. Treat says he doesn't care if Ephram comes up with the "Unified Field Theory," there's no way he's going to NYC for the whole summer. Ephram asks why not. Treat: "I'll tell you why not. Because!" Best parent answer ever. They argue some more, and Irv tries to pretend he's not listening. Dude, Irv has green milkglass dishes, which we're all supposed to believe have been there for a hundred years. They totally came from Martha Stewart By Mail.

Nina's House of SHUT UP CARL. The phone rings as they're finishing breakfast. Nina answers. My husband just walked by on his way to put up the laundry, saw where the TiVo was paused, and snorted. He says to tell Carl, "You're a BITCH." Oh yeah, that's right. He does laundry AND watches Everwood. I love me a thenthitive man. Aaaanyway. Nina hears nothing on the other end of the line and hangs up. Shutup Carl says it must have been a wrong number. Nina says she doubts it, as it was the second hangup call that morning. Nina tells the kids to go play outside, then gives Carl the hate eyes. She says she knows who keeps hanging up. She says she found the condom in his pants. Shutup Carl tells her to calm down. She starts to cry and tells him, "Tell me that you didn't have an affair. Tell me that I made all this up." Shutup Carl is, oddly and happily, silent. Nina can't believe it's happening. Shutup Carl says he can explain, it's over, he loves Nina, he was lonely, blah blah blah my-cheatin'-heart-cakes. Nina says she's glad their marriage was worth destroying over something that meant nothing. Shutup Carl says he just wants to be with his family. Nina tells him to go to hell. I fix my second cocktail. Commercial.

Meanwhile, back at the Cabin, Ephram wakes up and asks Irv where "the warden" is. Hee. That's what I used to call my mother. Not in front of her, or to her friends, though, because I had the damn sense God gave a fruit fly. Irv gives Ephram a look and tells him that Treat went for a hike. Ephram jokes that "there are bears out there, right?" Irv grins. He's writing something in a notebook, and Ephram totally nosies up to him. He asks him if he's writing a journal entry, or a love letter to Edna. Irv says he's just writing "scribbles." If by "scribbles," you mean "the narration at the beginning of this episode." Ephram looks out the window at the boat, and hints around to Irv that he wants to take it out. Irv says that he better wait for Treat, and that he hasn't been around boats that much. Ephram says, "I grew up on an island, remember?" Uh, Sars? Please report to the Service Desk of Ridiculous Claims. ["Roger that. As much as it pains me…shut up, Ephram." -- Sars] Ephram finally convinces Irv to let him take the boat. He says he'll be back before Treat is. He promises. Uh huh.

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Everwood

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