Forsaken (1)

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The Ross Is Off The Bloom

Crazy jet-lagged props to Kim for holding down the ice fortress while I went and got myself hitched. And thanks to everyone for the wedding wishes.

Now let's do this thing.

We open this minty-fresh episode with Lana and Lex (yes, you can groan if you like) sitting by the fire, in very close proximity to each other on the young billionaire's very expensive couch. Oh, man. They're not going to make sweet love by the fire, are they? Please, Lex, don't make sweet love to Lana by the fire. Like, ever. Lex has just gifted Lana with some Paris travel books, which I guess is a traditional thing to do, since several friends gave me some helpful books before I recently went. If you go, get the little books that you can carry in your pocket. You don't want to lug around big books with huge fold-outs as you try to navigate the Metro. How is Lana going to get her horse in the subway? Lana giggles girlishly and wonders out loud to Lex how well two semesters of French are going to get her by. You'll be fine. Just speak Pink. Lex says that a smile goes a long way; even in Paris. As does money. Lots of expensive, account-draining Euros. Not that I'm bitter. Lex says that he has something to help ease the transition. It's a roofie. Oh, wait, the transition to Paris. It's an envelope with an upgraded plane ticket. Take it, Lana! Don't get blood clots in your legs like I did in Coach. (I think it has more to do with the fact that our in-flight movie was Along Came Polly, but that's another story.) Lex says that the ticket is open-ended. Kind of like his ass. He says that Lana can leave Smallville whenever she likes. Lana is taken aback, and tries to not accept the ticket, but Lex insists and says that this is a year she'll never forget. The Year of the Pink Beret.

Hey, do I smell big, dumb alien? I totally do! Clark just strolls in like he won the mansion in a high-stakes poker match, and catches Lex and Lana being all platonic-schmoopy. "Clark!" Lex says jovially. "I didn't mean to interrupt," Clark responds, piss in his voice. Lana says that Lex was giving her some last-minute travel tips. Like, "If you go: get a rich benefactor to upgrade you to First Class." "When is the big day?" Clark asks with distaste, as if Lana's going to undergo female circumcision. Lana says it's Saturday. Lengthy looks are exchanged. By the fire. No sweet love is made. Lana decides she should go and let the men get down to manly fireside stuff. Lex smiles at Lana as she thanks him. With Lana still probably within earshot, Lex announces, "Clark, you need to let her go." Clark says he doesn't have much choice. In being a total asshole this season to all his friends? Nope. Not much choice there, dickweed. Lex calls Clark on his shit. Lex says that Lana's only ever wanted Clark to be honest, and that if Clark isn't going to step up, he needs to move aside and let her go. I'd like it if Lex had added a kick in the crotch to get the point across, but Clark looks stricken just the same.

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