Episode Report Card
admin: C | 7 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Mock The World Turtle

Meanwhile, back in the ballroom, Sam explains to Kali and Hot Baldur that once they "squeegee" Castiel's Enochian carvings off his ribcage, Lucifer should flutter in without delay. Kali makes some amusing threatening noises, and Darling Sammy reacts by peeing his pants. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Hee. He's so cute when he's certain he's about to be ripped limb from limb. In any event, Dean arrives at this juncture with his depressing Gabriel-related news, and everyone pretty much agrees to call the whole thing off.

One problem: Lucifer's just now arrived at the front desk, where he greets deceitful Mercury with a seductive, conspiratorial gleam in his eye. The Prince Of Darkness taps smartly on the shiny call bell and smiles, "Checking in!" just as the next METAL TEETH CHOMP! clamps down to drag The Foul Fiend into the next commercial break.

Hotel Lobby. Immediately after what came before. Yes, Deceitful Mercury called Lucifer in because he's always been the foremost proponent of negotiation with the Abrahamic entities, and yes, The Great Dissembler was more than happy to drop by Muncie, Indiana, for a chat, but if Mercury thinks he's getting anything more than multiple neck fractures out of this encounter, he's sorely mistaken. See, Lucifer's never really understood the pagans. They're such petty little things -- always fighting, and always happy to sell out their own kind -- that it's no wonder they managed to forfeit the Earth to Lucifer and his ilk. "You are worse than humans!" Lucifer exclaims as Deceitful Mercury's friendly and efficient expression falters. "You're worse than demons," Lucifer continues, ever with a smile on his face, "and yet you claim to be gods?" The smile vanishes, Lucifer flicks his wrist, and that's one more pagan deity down with eight left to go. "VIOLENCE!! [Slurp!] UNREPENTANT WANTONS OF [Hic!] UNGODLY ACTIVISTS [Slurp!] AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!" Oh, this can't be good.

Meanwhile, over in the ballroom, every single light is now buzzing and blinking and flickering on and off thanks to the waves of hellishly angelic mojo now sweeping through the hotel, for Lucifer, as Gabriel had earlier promised, is turning the pagans into fingerpaint. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Oh, we're doing the Woo, now? "[Slurp!]" I think you've had enough, Raoul. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Jesus Christ. ANY-way, Lucifer quickly makes mincemeat of the six pagans who have the audacity to attack him out in the hall, so the only two left are the pair who remained with Our Intrepid Heroes in the ballr...ooops! In the time it took me to type that out, Lucifer rammed his entire forearm through Hot Baldur's chest. "DIRKY!!! [Hic!] WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" So, we're down to Kali. And, you know, since I already let it slip that she survives this evening's festivities, let's jump ahead to the point where Gabriel suddenly materializes at Dean's side, shall we? "RAAAAAAOOOOOOUL!!!!! DRAGONS OF LONDON!!!!" Zevon? I have got to get out of this paragraph before I throttle him.

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