Episode Report Card
admin: C | 7 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Mock The World Turtle

There. That's better. So, while Kali and Lucifer duke it out, Gabriel suddenly materializes at Dean's side, presses a DVD into Dean's hands with an order for Our Intrepid Hero to guard the thing with his life, leaps to the center of the room with his angel-smiting scimitar at the ready, hurls The Prince Of Darkness into a far wall with a bit of archangelic telekinesis, and sings, "Luuu-cy! I'm home." Shut up and die already, Gabriel. Gabriel, paying me no heed, next helps the slightly battered Kali to her feet from where she'd fallen to the floor, shoves her into Our Intrepid Heroes arms and -- still warding off Lucifer simply by brandishing that sword of his -- maneuvers the boys plus the pagan towards the exit. And once Sam and Dean have dashed off into the night with their, there's a lot of talking in this next scene. Pardon me, there's a lot of bitching in this next scene, as Lucifer and Gabriel repeat the exact same argument Sam and Dean have been having about their goddamned Daddy Issues for the last five seasons. Fast-forward, fast-forward, fast-forward, and...Lucifer just ganked Gabriel with his own sword. Pity!

When we finally return from this evening's last, interminable commercial break, the screen washes red, and as an actual bow-chicka-wow-wow hits the soundtrack, the following text scrolls up into view: "ALL PERFORMERS IN THIS FILM ARE OVER THE AGE OF 18, HAVE CONSENTED TO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED, AND HAVE PROVIDED PROOF OF AGE. 18 U.S.C. SECTION 2257." I just tried to verify the code citation through a Yahoo! search. Yahoo! spat back nothing but porn sites in the results, so I guess The Kripkeeper did his homework this time. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Ugh. Anyway, the disclaimer soon vanishes, replaced by the title card for Casa Erotica 13, and some bleach-blonde Lucite bimbo clad in nothing more than a bra and panties narrates, "Dear Diary: Being a high-powered business president is super fun, but so exhausting!" Fast-forward, fast-forward, fast-forward, and...Our Intrepid Heroes are actually watching the DVD Gabriel entrusted to Dean's care shortly before he died. The Errant Archangel of course inserted himself into the footage (among other things, if you know what I mean, and I think you ewwwwwww), and long story short, there's an Extra Super-Special Secret Alternative to slaughtering Lucifer, if they still want to end The Ever-Impending Apocalypse. Lucifer's eons-old prison still exists deep beneath the ill-fated St. Mary's Convent in Ilchester, Maryland, and if Sam and Dean can somehow lure Lucifer back there while avoiding Michael and the remaining Archangels, they can just lock their nemesis back up for the next God knows how many years, and everything will be fine. Of course, finding the key to Lucifer's cage might be a problem, mainly because it's actually four keys in one: The Four Horsemen's rings. But, hey, they've already got two of them from War and Famine, right? So, all they need to do is defeat Pestilence and Death! Easy, right? Right?

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