Episode Report Card
admin: C | 7 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Mock The World Turtle

Alas, my scaly friend, you have EEEEEEEEEEEEEd in vain, for I'm afraid The Elysian Fields' all-you-can-eat buffet serves nothing but pie. "Are you sure?!" shrieks Raoul, ever the optimist. "Have they any meat pies, perchance!?" Aw. It's touching how hope springs eternal in your lizardly breast, Raoul, but no. "Drat!" Though a little unintentional cannibalism on Dashing El Deano's part would have given this episode the kick in the pants it so desperately needs at this point. "It would indeed!" As it is, Our Intrepid Hero simply loads up a couple of plates with boring old regular pie and turns to head back to his table. Along the way, he passes preternaturally self-possessed, stylish, and exquisitely bored woman of South Asian descent who's languidly stirring a smart cocktail, and he quite seriously stops dead in his tracks to douche, "How you doin'?" Her wonderful response? "No." "But..." Dean begins, thrown. "No," she repeats, not even bothering to look up at him. "Well, lady," he tries again, "I'm just being..." "I understand," she interrupts. "And no." Having thus been so firmly and beautifully shot down, Dean gulps and trudges the rest of the way to his table, where he finds Super-Serious Sammy intently futzing with his cell phone. "Dude, unpucker and eat something, already," Dean more or less says. "We should hit the road," Sam replies. "In this storm?" Dean retorts, incredulous. "It''s..." "It's Biblical," Sam pointedly finishes for him before going on to add, "It's friggin' Noah's Ark out there, and we're eating pie." The two proceed to blather about Sam's recent bouts of anxiety-related insomnia and The Ever-Impending Apocalypse that apparently triggered them, and it's dull as all hell, but Neurotic Sammy eventually agrees to relax as best he can for just one night there in their luxuriously appointed mid-century surroundings, and then it's time for the camera to follow the statuesque blonde cocktail waitress from the buffet floor back to...

...the hotel's kitchen. As the statuesque blonde cocktail waitress saunters towards the rear, the camera slows to lose sight of her, choosing instead to track along a counter in the kitchen's prep area until it lands on...The Poor Dead Rent-A-Cop's violently dismembered forearm! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" shrieks Raoul, wriggling about atop his overstuffed armchair with dizzying amounts of glee over this entirely unexpected gift before calming down a bit and shooting yours truly The Eye. I assume you have something to say, friend of friends? "I do! [A-him!] You hateful little man! You LIED to me!" You mean when I told you you'd have to wait 'til the end for the... "YES!" Dude, chill. "WHY?!" I forgot about this bit. "Oh! My most sincere apologies, then, I'm sure!" Don't worry about it. "Thanks! I won't!" Now, might I continue? "By all means!" Excellent.

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